Of course, you can't just come out and say you want a seal for your fraternity house, so a letter to the good people at SeaWorld has to be a little more subtle, a little more diplomatic… well, you can read the letter.

<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Jury, Mark [mailto:mark_jury@mit.edu]
Sent: Sunday, October 12, 2003 12:53 AM
To: visitorinfo@seaworld.com
Subject: SeaWorld Inquiry

Dear Sea World staff,

My name is Mark, a resident of Boston and an ardent animal lover. Specifically, I love sea creatures, and even briefly considered a career in marine biology.

I'm interest in acquiring a seal as a pet. It may seem a little strange to contact SeaWorld directly, but I've looked everywhere: pet shops, fisheries, pounds, the beach… I don't know where else to turn. And then it hit me: if you're looking for a seal, where else to go but SeaWorld?

I realize that owning a seal is no small responsibility, but I and my friends (who would have shared-custody of the seal) are committed. We're fully prepared to feed and care for the seal, and attend to his every need. We just think it would be fantastic to have a seal as a pet.

Currently, I live in a fraternity house, but I am sure modifications could be made to the house in order to accommodate our new seal. Specifically, we have an old chapter room that we barely ever use, which I think could be caulked and filled with water. I am currently the treasurer of our house, and thus could assure the budget needed to greatly increase the amount of raw fish we receive from our grocery supplier. And, obviously, a seal is not just a water animal who swims all day - there would be plenty of dry space around the house in which the seal could cavort and caper and amuse himself.

What better animal than a seal to represent the brotherhood and philanthropy of a fraternity, as well as bring hours of enjoyment to the brothers of the house? He would be of practical use to us, as well: we are hoping to train him to flip beers to people, and wrap himself in wet towels and flop down the hallway, thus mopping the floor. But mostly he would be loved.

Can you help me in this matter? Perhaps you have an extra seal lying around, or could direct us to a distributor of seals in our region. As I mentioned, I am currently the treasurer, and could easily gather the funds for such a transaction. Please contact me, and we can also discuss arrangements for transporting the seal here. Worst case, one of my buddies has a van we could use.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration,

Mark Jury
Treasurer, DKE fraternity
Mass. Institute of Technology
mark_jury@mit.edu
>>>

3/15/05
<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Sheridan, Anne [mailto:a_sheridan3@seaworld.com]
Sent: Tuesday, October 14, 2003 11:24 AM
To: mark_jury@mit.edu
Subject: RE: SeaWorld Inquiry

Dear Mr. Jury,

We here at SeaWorld thank you for your inquiry. It is wonderful to hear of another animal enthusiast, and glad you thought of coming to us for information. As the United States' largest marine life observatory, we consider ourselves an authority on "all things ocean," and are glad you do, too.

Regretfully, I'm not sure how much help we'll be able to provide regarding your inquiry about owning a seal. Private seal ownership is not a common thing; typically, most seals in captivity are owned by zoos, special marine research faculties, or observatory parks such as SeaWorld or our smaller Kentucky counterpart, OceanLand. It seems you have researched other options, although pet shops are not likely to carry seals, and by "pound", do mean a dog pound, or some kind of seal pound? It is improbable that you'll find any seals at a dog pound, and as for a seal pound, we here at SeaWorld genuinely hope that such a thing does not exist. Trapping a seal in the wild is a creative alternative, though doing so would most likely violate several environmental laws.

Unfortunately, although SeaWorld does occasionally exchange animals with other facilities, I do not think a fraternity house would be a suitable environment for a seal. Seals are delicate creatures that require extensive attention, both in terms of environment as well as everyday care. Seals generally need a special temperature-controlled tank with strict filtering procedures; I don't think a chapter room filled with water would do it. Seals also require a diverse diet consisting of more than simply fish procured from your local grocery store. There are also veterinary costs to consider, should the seal become ill, as it invariably would living in a frat house.

Lamentably, dedication aside, I don't think there's any way you could, in your current situation, provide a seal with the living environment it needs. The lives of university students are full of other time commitments besides caring for aquatic pets, and neglect would be dangerous for the seal's health. As would spilling beer or other fluids into the tank; precautions could be taken, of course, but I feel that occasional incidents would be inevitable in a house full of college men.

Perhaps there will be another time for your dream of having a pet seal to come true. For now, I feel it is best we decline your request to "sell you any extra seals we have lying around." Your love of animals is noble, but for the time being it seems you lack the time, facilities, and understanding to give such an animal a good home. Also, you kind of sound like a bunch of meathead frat boys who just want a seal to mess with.

Warmest regards,

Anne Sheridan
Guest Liaison Specialist
Sea World, Orlando
a_sheridan3@seaworld.com
>>>

Top 6 Helper Animals To Have in a Frat House - 3/17/05
- Monkey butler
- Seal beer-flipper/floor-mopper
- Walrus couch/bottle-opener
- Octopus dishwasher
- Kangaroo marijuana-tester
- Gabe

...and Gabe's Response to Being Mocked Yet Again on This Website - 3/19/05
<<<
Listen you,

I have the following complaints with your most recent post:

1. I certainly cannot out-animal either Johnny Green or Charles Rapkin.
2. Even if I were to admit that I'm an animal (and I'm not saying I won't), I'm clearly not a helpful animal.
3. Given that I was placed on the list, I demand to be placed ahead of the walrus given that I take up less space and have equal if not greater skills at removing bottle caps. (I do concede that I should be behind the mopping seal and the dishwashing octopus given that I disdain both activities and have not done either in the last seven years)

--Gabe >>>

I would just like to defend myself by saying the following:

1. The animals listed were in no particular order - indeed, Gabe is at least as useful as a walrus couch/bottle opener.
2. I never knew Charles Rapkin, but the Gabe vs. Johnny animal match-up is a tough one to call. Johnny has a furrier belly, but Gabe got into Nina's cookies way more times.
3. The rest of what Gabe said is right on.

Johnny's Response - 3/28/05
Oh, and here's Johnny's response to Gabe's response to my comparing them as to who makes a better helper-animal:

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Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to respond to one of your reader's comments in your recent column regarding "top 6 helper animals in a frat house." I am outraged and offended at the most egregious and unjust statements reprinted so casually on your site, particularly one made by a Mr. Gabriel.

Now, I do not know who Charles Rapkin is either, but I do know who I am (I think), and I also am able to fairly well ascertain my standing in animal-ness relative to this "Gabe" character. Allow me to make a few points:

I have known Gabe to charge headlong into objects or people when angered or confused, thus resembling a bull. Gabe is also ridiculously strong and has crushed me flat on many occasions; therefore he is similar to an ox. Finally, I know Gabe is extremely loyal, which is a well-known defining trait amongst canines.

Further, to avoid careless retaliation, I make a pre-defense: I am completely useless as a helper-animal. I cannot open beer bottles on my own, unless I am sober. I also would fail in the duties of remaining in the frat house, as I tend to wander off into places such as lakes and expansive sewer systems. Dishes? Forget it. And I would be more than doubling your upkeep costs: I would consume at least two beers for each (one) beer that I retrieved for a dues-paying fraternity member (read: junior year), rendering your helper-animal budget, well, helpless.

Seeing as such statements above are true and accurate to the best of my knowledge and not ability, I hereby request that you immediately issue a public apology for allowing such rubbish to be posted on your site.

Kindest Regards,

Johnny Green

P.S. You should, however, honor Gabe's request to be placed above the walrus.
>>>

Press's Response - 3/31/05
<<<
Dear The Management:

I have recently been reading the commentary concerning A Gabe, and A Johnny (not to be confused with A Keith Schecter). I believe I can act as an outside objective observer, being that I am not being considered and that I am familiar with both Gabe and Johnny (hereto, henceforth, forevermore, referred to as Sketch in the following commentary). I would like to add the following to the consideration of helper-animal status:

1) Gabe has also been known to climb tall buildings, if by "tall" I mean 4 stories, and if by "buildings" I mean Bobb hall, much like a helper-monkey.
2) Gabe is also found of pouncing people much like Tigger, an animal of some sort.
3) Gabe has a thought process much like an animal… stimulus… reaction. For example, put a beer in his hand it he will surely open it. You must be careful for the angry reaction which may include opening the can with a key and sucking it dry.

As for Sketch, he is much like an animal in different ways:
1) He will often simply appear in a room without knowing how he got there, like a cat.
2) He requires constant care and attention, like the aforementioned seal.
3) He can be rewarded with smokey treats (a possible training mechanism), like... some kind of... cigarette loving... mammal.

Also, anyone who knows Gabe is aware that training is not well in his "nature".

In conclusion, I think that either would be an excellent choice as a helper-animal. One must take into consideration the damage that either may do, which could be considerable. But like a loyal dog, their love and attention is well worth it.

Sincerely,

Craig Press
>>>

To qualify, Press's belly is almost as furry as Johnny's.

Charles Rabkin's Response - 4/1/05
<<<
Dude, who the hell ARE you? And why are you writing about me on your website?

I was in ZBT back in 1995-99, and I don't even remember these Johnny and Gabe guys, much less you. They were probably pledges. Also, my name is Charles RaBkin, not Charlies Rapid or whatever the hell you've been calling me.

Dude, I don't even know you.

-Charles RABkin
charles_rabkin@dnet.com
>>>