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THE IDIOT OLYMPICS
Idiot Olympics - Prelude
The Idiot Olympics. A noble contest of conquest and competition, of man versus man, and man versus his idiot compulsions to try and destroy himself. At least in our apartment.
As I mentioned before one thing 702 Paulina does not have is a “nay-sayer” – someone to blow the whistle and stop us from doing such stupid things as doing an Idiot Olympics in the first place. So when it came time to decide whether or not to actually follow through with this, we really didn't have any other choice.
Tonight marks the beginning of a five-day sports-smorgasbord to determine, once and for all, who is the biggest idiot in our apartment. All events included have met a rigorous set of criteria before being allowed into the games: they must require some mixture of athleticism, intelligence and creativity, and most importantly must also require utter stupididy to actually execute. Ever conceived of something that made you think “Wow what a great idea... and yet so, so stupid.”? Sounds like an Idiot Olympic event.
The contests are made up of a variety of activities that we’ve come up with since moving in, ranging from the extremely dangerous and dumb “Breaking and Entering” to the extremely dangerous and dumb “Livingroom Wrestling”. Events such as “Ping-Pong” were thrown out as being too commonplace and lame; likewise, events such as the “702 Pauline Cook-Off” and “Gabe Does Dishes” were rejected on the basis of having too much culture. This isn’t ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’; it’s the Idiot Olympics. Finally, events such as “Poke the Bear” and “Name That JD Phrensick Allusion” were chucked on the basis of being too obscure.
Enough of this rambling. Here are the events that will be included in this week’s competition:
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EVENT 1: The Stairway Luge
CONTEST: Each competitor will have two attempts to successfully pilot a cardboard box filled with packing peanuts down a flight of stairs and smashing into the wooden shelving cabinet at the bottom.
SCORING: Points will be award for speed, style (including the racer’s costume) and landing. Ok, mostly just style and landing.
DANGER FACTOR: HIGH. The odds are good for neck-breaking/hospital trips for this event, given the lack of seatbelt/brakes on the Stairway Sled and the fact that the shelving cabinet at the bottom sits about two feet away from the end of the stairs. A perfect choice to kick off the Olympics. Bodily catastrophe is imminent, not to mention the possible destruction of the shelving cabinet, probable destruction of the carpet on the stairs, and definite scattering of smashed packing peanut bits all over the house. Judging by the still-prevalence of packing peanuts from the Gabe/Sam prank incident, this will take roughly two years to clean.
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EVENT 2: Essay Contest
CONTEST: Each competitor gets one hour to write a 250-work creative essay on a topic to be pulled out of a hat. There are no other requirements to the writing other than that it must be in English.
SCORING: The winner for this event will be chosen in a popular vote by the readers of each of the apartment's three websites, phrensick.com, samgreenspan.com and paulspond.com. Regardless of how many votes are recieved (one is enough), the anonymously posted essays will be placed in rank and the authors awarded points accordingly.
DANGER FACTOR: LOW. Really the only danger involved in this event is the risk of Gabe's head exploding once the creative juices get flowing, or Paul exploding at having to actually be concise for once.
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EVENT 3: Breaking and Entering
CONTEST: Inspired by various real-life situation involving key-forgettfulness, this event pits each competitor against the clock and a locked house with nothing but his moxy and cunning to get him in.
SCORING: The fastest to get into the house and unlock the front door via roof, window or other means is the winner. Points are deducted for broken glass/walls.
DANGER FACTOR: VERY HIGH. The only question is whether the cops or the ambulance gets there first when the neighboors see figures trying to climb onto the roof and then falling into the driveway.
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EVENT 4: JD Challenges Paul to the LSAT/Sam Challenges Gabe to the GED/Winners Compete in a Footrace/Losers Compete in Chug Three Beers
CONTEST: Fairly self-explanatory. Sam and Gabe have already taken the LSAT, so we figure it's about time everyone else in the apartment did too, regardless of whether or not they've ever seen the test before or have any intention of going to law school. It only follows that Gabe and Sam should then take the GED. The rest of the stuff we just made up.
SCORING: Basic head-to-head competition.
DANGER FACTOR: MEDIUM. The LSAT then running could cause veins to fuse and pop. The LSAT then drinking could cause brain to fuse and pop. Also failing the high-school equivalency test could cause Gabe to pop.
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EVENT 5: Livingroom Wrestling
CONTEST: This event is basically a horrible idea. We're all going to fight in our living room until something and/or someone breaks.
SCORING: Head-to-head again, we think. Possibly some seding. We'll just make it up as it comes to us.
DANGER FACTOR: HIGH. There's not really very much safe about a motivated Gabe fighting a motivated Paul in our living room. Especially since we're not even going to move the TV.
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EVENT 6: Paulina Avenue Vortex Football Throw
CONTEST: Each competitor will have two attempts to throw a Nerf Football as far as possible down North Pauline Ave, junior-high recess style.
SCORING: Best distance of three throws. We may also add a twist to this event by forcing everyone to be naked or drink five beers right before hand.
DANGER FACTOR: MEDIUM-LOW. Some risk of hitting cars, pedestrians or Meatheads, thus incurring the wrath of the neighborhood. But since when have we really cared what the neighbors thought?
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EVENT 7: Super Top Secret Mystery Event
CONTEST: We're now taking suggestions for our last and most brainless event. Suggestions so far have included “Get JD a job”, “Give each other haircuts” and “Drink 100 ounces of beer in 100 minutes”. Or substitute "drink" with "eat", and "ounces of beer" with "tacos".
SCORING: After this event all points will be added from all events and the winner shall be declared.
DANGER FACTOR: Up to you. So email us with suggestions.
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This site will be updated nightly as the action unfolds. Let the games begin!
Idiot Olympics - Day 1 - Stairway Luge
 In an impressive display of Do-What-You-Have-To-To-Win, Sam jumped out to an early lead in the games with a gold today in the Stairway Luge.
After an unimpressive first run, Greenspan lurched ahead of runner-up Gabe by executing a maneuver that basically involved leaping over (and loosening) the railing-divider of the stairs and landing on the sled mid-ride, careening into the blocker head first with a spray of packing peanuts. The move elicited awe and applause from spectators.
Gabe placed second with two solid runs garbed in a wetsuit and bandana, also succeeding in getting more Styrofoam into Sam’s room, which we suspect was his goal all along. Paul placed third after being ridiculed for “forced spirit” involving a costume change from American-Flag-Caped-Avenger to Samurai Viking, although he did manage to break one of his horns in a head-on collision with the wooden shelving unit. Tied with JD after the first two runs, Paul managed to save himself from the cellar with a gutsy head-first run in the tie-breaker round, sliding into two points by proving that he, indeed, “just wanted it more.”
No pictures yet – update promised when they are available. Next up – Breaking and Entering!
Idiot Olympics - Day 2 - Paulina Avenue Vortex Football Throw
 The heat evened out today as Paul claimed a healthy victory in the first-ever Paulina Avenue Vortex Football Throw.
A first throw of roughly 75 Sam-paces (roughly a yard each) set a marker that was never challenged as Gabe, Sam and JD clocked in shorter throws, respectively cashing in on silver, bronze and tinfoil medals. Suspense abounded midway through after Gabe's first throw hit a neighbors' car, thus disqualifying it and leaving him without a place heading into the final round.  But the Wetsuit Warrior was able to come through in the clutch, beating out Sam by four paces to secure a second-straight second-place. JD, cigarette in hand, placed fourth.
Other twists involved Gabe nearly being hit by a clan-member neighboor tearing around the corner in his white-pride mobile. Also an explanation arose for why Olympic momentum waned after the first event, where it remains high after event 2 - we don't like to have to clean up packing peanuts after events. And the Paulina Avenue Vortex Football Throws involved no cleanup. Only some thrown-out arms.
Idiot Olympics - Day 3 - Essay Contest
Now it's your turn. Today's post is not so much of a recap, but a launching. Below are four short "essays" (and here "essay" is used in the loosest of senses) and it is your job, the reader of this site, to choose which one is the best. Now, "best" is a very subjective term - there are many criteria that determine the quality of an "essay". Comprehensiveness, masterful word usage, erudite allusiveness, adept use of low-brow humor, and so forth. But we in the Idiot Olympics pay no heed to such claptrap. The best “essay” is the one you like the most. So pick that one.
The rules of the Essay Contest were as follows: A topic was chosen at random by selecting an object from Sam's room (in this case his blow-up dinosaur), searching for it on google and selecting the third page that came up (a site about dinosaur toys) and then picking a word or phrase that seemed good from the middle of the page. And that was... well, you'll see. The process took roughly four seconds. Then each competitor was given 15 minutes and 250 words max to write an essay based on the topic. And now you will help choose the winner, by selecting your choice above, or by emailing us. The Idiot Cup could depend on it.
The questions of today are many. Who will triumph and have the last literary laugh? How much offense can our readers take? How long will it take our new idiotolympics@hotmail.com account to start getting porn spam? By the way feel free to email other comments there as well. A mawkish E-greeting card to the first person who can figure out who wrote which essay - sadly, for anyone who knows the four of us at all, it shouldn't be that hard.
So here they are. Four essays, unordered, anonymous, color-coded for your convenience, all loosely inspired by the topic:
Coloring Books
The following are the top ten things random groups hate:
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Group:
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Hates:
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| 1) 6th graders from Watts, CA |
- White kids/The man coming down too hard on Michael Jackson |
| 2) Batman |
- Robin's unrelenting sexual advances |
| 3) Sam's Friends |
- Though Sam has moved from a desk job to a position that allows him to work literally from his bed, he still finds ways to bitch about it |
| 4) Males Age 16-48 |
- C*~#s (not the appendage, but the term applied to uppity broads) |
| 5) Women Age 6-99 |
- Being called C*~#s |
| 6) Bowling Green Fans |
- A 10-3 season garners them a trip to the Motor city bowl where, should they win, the NU fans and team will triumph the phrase 'happy to be there' and leave quite satisfied. Should Northwestern vanquish the mighty Falcons, Wildcat fans will surely rush the field and celebrate their 7-6 season. |
| 7) Color Blind Kids |
- Coloring books |
| 8) Dyslexic people |
- AM and PM are basically the same/Hooked-On-Phonics commercials are geared blatantly toward them/The wrod dyslexic is umpossible to spell |
| 9) Institutionalized Mental Patients |
- The hose...and coloring books |
| 10) Seahawk's Fans |
- Impending season collapse/Sports writers who think Jon Kitna is anything besides the dumbest man alive |
Eleven years ago, the boy happened upon a Beauty and the Beast coloring book. Times were tight, and so he couldn't afford the Crayola 64, only had the sixteen. But it didn't matter, he had a vision in his soul that couldn't be contained. And he colored the candlestick yellow with a hint of brown for bronzing, and the clock brown and red. Gaston had a twine of green for his debilitating jealousy. Belle looked majestic as she danced in her yellow, sparkling dress, which he highlighted by scraping bits of the wax off with his fingernail and replacing them with glitter.
But when he got to the Beast, he found his crayon straying off the path. As much as he tried, the brown found its way into the background, the blue of his suit jacket soon became a hazy, muddled collage. He colored, haphazardly, feverishly, colors flying, crayons swapping in and out.
When he was finished, he saw that Belle was now dancing with an ugly, multicolored blob. And the boy realized it wasn't by accident, for the beast itself is a manifestation of drawing outside the lines. For as ugly a result as it might produce, the value of its uniqueness cannot be compromised. And that revelation would carry the boy, the innovator, the curious and passionate soul, throughout his career.
And that little boy grew up to be… James van der Beek. And now you know (pause) the REST of the story. I'm Paul Harvey.
His mom said crayons were good for you
A vitamin for every hue
Like Apple Red and Collard Green
And Tapioca Tangerine
And Purple Mountain’s Majesty
And Riboflavin Number Three
And thus he ate, and came to see
The rainbow similarity
In book or stomach, colors blend
It’s all just brown down in the end
my uncle ray decided that it would be appropriate to give me a coloring book for my seventh birthday. which, in theory, probably would have been all right. except for one thing: the entire coloring book was filled with pictures of sheep. and not just any sheep... uncolored-in sheep.
after i opened the present, my mouth opened wide in horror. a coloring book filled with sheep! my uncle, the insenstive, rascist carpenter that he was knew full well that my mother had been killed by a sheep-mauling... two weeks prior.
how could my uncle have done such a terrible thing (you may ask with your hands folded neatly in your lap)? well, he probably didnt recognize how stupid it was because he was was looking through his growing-up-in-the-fifties influenced rosa-parks-colored glasses.
you see, my uncle insists that a colored sheep committed the mauling of my mother. tearing her bloody flesh open with its sharp teeth. so, apparently, two weeks later... it's OK to give your nephew a coloring book FULL of uncolored sheep.
when, in fact, it was an uncolored sheep that slaughtered my mother. and the coloring book? well, it left me crippled in nightmarish haunts every night for the next two weeks.
That's it. Cast your votes. Cast them wisely.
Idiot Olympics - Day 4 - Breaking and Entering
Our media-gathering efforts have really started to pay off. Aside from the digital footage we've been recording for the imminent Idiot Olympics Trailer, Sam's still-camera has also yielded some great shots. Example - this great three-panel strip that completely sums up Gabe's run:
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| See Gabe break. |
See Gabe enter.
(Note the glass and screen of Sam's window completely thrown out of their frames. |
See Gabe furious at JD for screwing up his timing. |
It turned out not to matter, as JD's later underhandedness would capture first prize and Gabe would claim a clear second over Paul and Sam. But his expression just defines infuriation, no?
Also, apparently that little camera can also take 5-second video clips, such as the following footage of Paul's acrobatic but third-place attempt to mount the roof.
So the Idiot Olympics have officially gone mass-public - thank you to the 100+ people who have voted on the Essay Contest thus far. Rising to the hype, today's event simultaneously brought forth some of the most intense competition we've seen to date, as well as some of the most devious chicanery enacted to win.
To preface, before today Paul was the only person who had successfully been able to break into the house via his patented rooftop-pullup method. Being a moron and locking oneself out of the house three times in a month is good for something, at least. But at the last minute, an alternative route for the jumping-impaired was discovered by Sam, evening the field and opening up Breaking and Entering once again to anyone's game.
Gabe set the pace early by nearly destroying Sam's window frame, throwing the glass off its hinges and onto Sam's bed before diving inside and unlocking the front door for a 17.49-second run. Sam's quote later: "For the record, I'd like to point out that my window is now irrepairably brok- Oh wait, there it goes." Sam clocked in himself at 21:57 on the same route, losing a few seconds on the screwdriver he'd planted for himself to help jimmy the window. Paul took the high-road, monkeying it up through his own window to beat out Sam by a Mario-Cart-margin of .14 seconds, placing himself second at 21.43 seconds. And that's when the treachery began.
JD, thus far the darkhorse in the Idiot Olympics, had drawn a second-spot to run after Gabe by trading it down to go last, explaining that he "wasn't going to do it," that he'd "just wait until the fire department showed up". Job applications aside, on his starter pistol JD proceeded to deftly scamper around back of the house and enter through the patio door, which he'd furtively opened for himself during the earlier runs. Coming back through the front door at a scant 14:82, JD suddenly found himself in first place, back in the running for the championship, and crotch-deep in ire from his fellow competitors.
We will not speak of the other alleged tomfoolery that may or may not have happened behind the scenes of Breaking and Entering. But know that the competiion is back on - heated to a new simmering level. And JD may have lost his kid-glove courtesies for Living Room Wrestling.
Idiot Olympics - Day 5 - LSAT/GED Challenge, part 1
Voting for the Essay Contest will end today, Monday, at noon. Get yer pickin's while they’re good. Sam’s site has current results.
In retrospect regarding yesterday’s Breaking and Entering event, I’m not quite sure which of the following is scarier: A) That we were able to find no less than three different ways to gain illegal access to our house, which for the record only has 2 doors and half a dozen windows. B), That all four of us were able to break in via these methods, in less than half a minute. Or C), That a time of 21.5 seconds to get in through a window and out again through the front door was good enough to secure only fourth place, in a pool of four competitors/burglars. Maybe next time we’ll have to make the event a little harder, like having to lug the television outside and drop into the back of a pickup truck.
Today’s event utilized a little more brains than most of our events thus far – in fact one could argue too much brains. This is the Idiot Olympics, after all, not the Get-Into-Law-School/Obtain-Your-High-School-Equivalency Games. Nevertheless, at approximately 5:30 pm JD and Paul sat down at the ping-pong table to take the LSAT. This idea was germinated about a month ago when a drunken JD proclaimed that, since Gabe and Sam had already taken and done extremely well on the LSAT, surely he and Paul could handle it as well, adding that he would “surely kick Paul’s ass”. And since Paul never backs down from a challenge, especially a drunken one involving academia (for example crashing an Orgo final), six weeks later there they were. Regretting every word of it, wracking their brains to overcome Xerox copies of one of Gabe’s many practice tests. JD lived up to his work, trouncing Paul’s meager score of 157 with a commendable 164, which is pretty astounding considering neither of them had ever opened an LSAT test before, much less studied for it.
Four hours later Sam and Gabe had it out over the English Writing section of the GED (apparently this test is like six hours long, so they’re doing it in pieces). Copies of this test, by the way, were acquired from a practice volume at the Redondo Beach public library, located in the education section next to a book entitled “Why Johnny Can’t Read”. Sammy and Gabby could, however, and thus far have gotten a total of only 6 questions wrong between them on the 75-minute first section, with Sammy in the lead by a few.
More hot GED action tomorrow, and hopefully the running/chugathon tie-breaker, along with the results from the Essay Contest. Oo, and possibly Wrestling too. Everyone’s still gunning for JD after yesterday, though now we’re somewhat worried he’ll somehow manage to levitate us with his freakish mind.
Idiot Olympics - Essay Update
The results are in for the Essay Contest… the winning entry? Beauty and the Beast has it by a hair, beating out the Top 10 by a vote and the Poem by 3 votes. And the winning author? Contrary to be beliefs of some, Sam wrote the winning Disney/Paul Harvey-referencing piece. Gabe wrote the Top 10 list, Paul wrote the Poem, and JD wrote the Sheep story.
Surprised? If so, shame on you. Our attempt at anonyminity seemed to work, but it really shouldn’t have if you know any of us very well. The following things might have tipped you off as to the authors of the Essays:
Paul (Poem) - Although he was able to overcome his usual allergic reaction to brevity, Paul’s really the only one who’s done much lyric/poetry writing. Or eaten crayons.
Sam (Beauty and the Beast) – This one’s probably the hardest… after all, are any of us really effeminate enough to write about Beauty and the Beast? The esoteric Paul Harvey reference was probably your best bet.
JD (Sheep) – Lack of capital letters/aimless stream of consciousness = classic JD. The second-person parenthetical is always a good clue as well.
Gabe (Top 10) – The fact that every single bullet directly references some aspect of his life in an obvious way. 6th graders in Watts? Obscene language and making fun of Sam's non-real job? The Seahawks!? C’mon now people.
In other news, we’ve decided to make Beer Pong the final event of the Olympics. If any of you might consider this a cop-out compared to the multi-layered idiocy of some of our other events, we would argue that few sports combine athleticism, competition and heavy drinking better than Beer-Pong. As for originality and needless danger, well, we’re convinced we can come up with a way to play it so as to maximize the stupidity involved. Besides, we just really want to play Beer-Pong.
Idiot Olympics - Day 6 - Livingroom Wrestling
...and somehow, nothing got broken. Except Sam's face and Paul's shirt and nose.
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The Championship
Gabe seems
somehow disinterested. |
Livingroom Wrestling, as expected, wrought some of the fiercest competition of the games tonight as Paul hoisted, slammed and pinned his way to victory in the finals over Gabe, who racks up yet another second place. In a three-round dogfight Paul endured merciless headlocks, a bloody nose and having his shirt torn off Incredible Hulk-style, finally pinning his stalwart opponent near the futon. Said Paul after the match - "It's good we did this one almost last, or we never would have done any other events."
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Gabe v. Sam
Now there's that
Gabe we all know! |
Gabe outlasted Sam in the semis despite at least one nasty suplex by Grapplin' Greenspan, and JD fell quickly across the bracket before running out to go to an "It's A Grind" Christmas party. The TV and furniture remain surprisingly intact, though Paul's nose may have enacted a bit of vengeance on the carpet, making this the second time this year he's had to clean blood out of the rug. Nobody said victory was easy.
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| The Aftermath |
Idiot Olympics - Day 7 (to be continued...) - Beer Pong
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Round 1 - Another
Sam action shot |
So the “final” event of the Idiot Olympics somewhat derailed us last night… the editor of this website woke up at 5:30am in Sam’s bed with him, a half-eaten bowl of macaroni and cheese between them and the awful movie Daredevil playing on the nearby TV. Thus, there was no post.
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Neighboors Jeff & Sarah
join us for the
third-place game |
But the derailing effects of Beer-Pong should not detract from the intensity of the event – it was truly a nail-biter as Gabe, Sam and Paul all entered the night with fear of being knocked out of contention for first place. Luck-of-the-draw pairings once again pitted JD against Paul and Sam versus Gabe, and in all cases matches were decided by two cups or less. After much shooting, yelling and edge-of-seat riding, Paul emerged victorious over Gabe in the finals, and all emerged somewhat inebriated. The competitors then celebrated by playing several more games of Beer Pong.
Six events have now been completed and scored. But the epic GED has proven too much for Gabe and Sam’s irreconcilable schedules and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get finished before Sam leaves for break today. Which leaves the Olympics in a bit of a limbo. They will have to be continued in January when everyone returns, unfortunately leaving us with no winner for the time being.
Circumstance aside, however, this site is determined that, if we can’t know who the winner is right now, we can at least waste time speculating humorously about it. Of course, no accurate predictions could be ventured without formulating a meticulous and complicated NFL-playoff-style table of possible outcomes. So here it is.
The betting-horse here is Gabe, who is currently tied for first with Paul, whose fate in the LSAT/GED event is already halfway decided. So, depending on the Brillo Beast’s performance in the final contests, the following results are possible:
| GABE | PAUL | SAM | JD | WINNER: |
| Gabe wins GED, beats JD in Footrace | 22 | 20/19 | 16/17 | 12 | GABE |
| Gabe wins GED, loses to JD in Footrace | 21 | 20/19 | 16/17 | 13 | GABE |
| Gabe loses GED, beats Paul in Chug-Three-Beers | 20 | 19 | 18/19 | 12/13 | GABE |
| Gabe loses GED, loses to Paul in Chug-Three-Beers | 19 | 20 | 18/19 | 12/13 | PAUL |
Sam realized after his first-round loss in Beer Pong that he had essentially written himself out of Olympic-contention, managing at best a tainted second-place tie, to be broken appropriately should it arise. JD has clinched last place.
Gabe’s chances look good, but keep in mind he is favored in neither GED versus Sam, nor Chug-Three-Beers versus Paul. However, if nothing else Gabe has proven himself as a tough competitor, and is not likely to go down in any event without a fight. Given almost three weeks to go home and practice, honest Abe could come back a drinking and GED-taking machine.
We will see you in a few weeks for the gripping conclusion of the Idiot Olympics. Until then, we leave you with a nostalgic look back, at some of the highlights and lowlights for each competitor in the games so far.
IDIOT OLYMPIC HIGHLIGHTS/LOWLIGHTS
GABE
HIGHLIGHT - Placing second in every event
LOWLIGHT - Placing second in every event
PAUL
HIGHLIGHT - Winning three events
LOWLIGHT - Winning only Meathead events
SAM
HIGHLIGHT - Nudging out Gabe’s mass-public-pandering Top 10 List with an arcane Paul Harvey/Gaston-referencing essay.
LOWLIGHT - Breaking into the house in 21 seconds and coming in fourth for it.
JD
HIGHLIGHT – Scoring alarmingly high on the cold LSAT
LOWLIGHT – Coming in last in five other events
BOTH – Preventing a sixth last place by fiendish treachery in Breaking and Entering
It has finished!
The final board.
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Stairway Luge |
Vortex Throw |
Breaking& Entering |
Essay Contest |
Livingroom Wrestling |
Beer Pong |
LSAT/GED Challenge |
TOTALS |
| GABE |
3 |
3 |
3 |
3 |
3 |
3 |
1 |
19 |
| SAM |
4 |
2 |
1 |
4 |
2 |
2 |
4 |
19 |
| PAUL |
2 |
4 |
2 |
2 |
4 |
4 |
2 |
20 |
| JD |
1 |
1 |
4 |
1 |
1 |
1 |
3 |
12 |
Scores are points recieved (i.e. four points for a gold medal), not places.
The 2003 Idiot Olympics finished up tonight (in 2004) in grand appropriate fashion. The standings had Gabe and Paul locked in neck-and-neck contention with 18 points apiece, followed closely by Sam with 15, and distantly tracked by JD with 9. All that was left to decide the champion was the mighty GED. And the 100-meter dash. And chugging 3 beers. And another 100-meter dash.
If you recall, the conclusion of the Idiot Olympics was postponed through half of December and the month of January because it turned out the GED is actually an 8-hour test that Sam and Gabe lacked the time/diligence to complete. Well, that remained true in February as well; sometime last week the two realized that they were in fact never going to get around to completing it. Gabe, slightly behind after the English portion of the test, conceded the contest for the purpose of “moving things along”. Also, as he wisely put it, “the fans just really want to see Gabe vs. Paul in the Chugathon and JD vs. fit-Sam in the Footrace.”
And so at 9:30pm, off we went to a local park to decide the final standings; camera, racing clothes and six beers in hand. The rules were explicit but clear. Paul and Gabe would race to see who could faster consume three 12-ounce cans of Coors Light (yes in the park). Whoever did so would receive third place in the event and the overall championship in the Olympics. Also, the beer must also stay down for at least 5 minutes after the contest – booting would mean disqualification. If both participants booted, whoever had finished drinking first would be deemed the winner. For Sam and JD, the race would be a sprint to a baseball fence 50-Sam-paces away, and then back again. The same vomiting rule applied to them as well.
So off we went. Sam clinched event first place by three-JD-lengths, his gazelle-like swiftness emerging in the second half. OK, neither of them are exactly in gazelle shape, but Sam has been running vigorously for the past month whereas JD has been smoking. Perhaps the alveoli were the deciding factor.
Paul and Gabe’s contest was less decisive. But in the close finish, the true spirit of the Idiot Olympics emerged. When it was unclear whether Paul had won or whether it was a tie, JD suggested they drive home and decide with a fourth beer. Now, Gabe had to teach the next morning and Paul had to drive to work in an hour, but both were open to the idea. But a better idea was conjured. Why not another footrace? What better way to follow drinking three beers in three minutes than to run 100 meters? What better way to decide the Idiot Olympic champion than with a triple event of needless-standardized-test-taking, binge-beer-drinking, spontaneous athletic competition, and the absolutely moronic combination of all three?
PAUL: You think the race needs a vomiting rule?
SAM: Nah, I think it’s OK for this one.
And so they raced. And Paul won. And Gabe promptly vomited on the fence. And then Paul raced JD, for no reason, and felt dizzy for three hours afterward. And JD had to drive everyone home in Gabe’s car because Sam had forgotten his glasses and JD was the only one who could legally drive at this point. And it was beautiful.
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| JD and Sam face off. |
And the results are in. |
Paul vs. Gabe.
For all the cookies. |
Paul vs. JD.
For fun. |
Thus concludes the first-ever 702 Paulina Idiot Olympics. Brainstorming is currently underway for events for the 2004 Spring Olympics, which certain Fourth-Place-taking roommates are hoping “will contain less Meathead events and more ‘JD-centric’ events”. Ideas so far include:
- The Paulina Avenue Shopping-Cart Joust
- Century Club, followed by Running 10 Miles
- Letting a Rabbit Loose Inside Our House and Seeing Who Can Catch It First
(Early polls give the rabbit a roughly 30% chance of survival)
Or, better yet:
- Actually enact the idiom “wild goose chase” by replacing “rabbit” with “wild goose”.
(Does anyone know where 4 guys can acquire a wild goose? Is there a wild goose pound somewhere? Or for that matter does anyone know where we could get a Helper Monkey? I don’t know what relevance this has to the Olympics – maybe he could help judge.)
- Slam-Dunk Contest on our new basketball hoop (possibly too meathead)
- An Eating contest
Or, better yet:
- An Eating Contest featuring Sam’s mother, Amy Greenspan, as special guest
Or, better yet:
- JD versus Amy Greenspan in a Taco-Eating Contest, via webcam
Or, better yet
- Trying to convince Amy Greenspan to participate in a Taco-Eating Contest, via webcam
The thing is, most of these will probably make it in.
See you in the spring.
 |
 |
 |
| And they're off... |
Paul pauses to belch.
Angrily. |
Gabe pauses to look ill. |
 |
 |
 |
Both pause to laugh
at just how stupid
this all is. |
Starting beer three.
And minute three.
Nobody's doing real well. |
And the home stretch... |
|
Email me! paul@paulspond.com
Archives:
California Ponderings
(9/03-present)
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