- Belch
- I need to reprint my toys r us w2
- Idiot Display
- MIDGET THUG GAY
- Men's Butts
- Pitchers skunk boyz
- Sheet running into wall
- skootskate
- Bureaucracy
- clipart construction worker paycheck

The last one is partly weird for its own sake, and partly weird because someone searched for it and got here 17 times.

Lost Hat - 3/5/05
I lost my favorite black baseball cap two weekends ago. Last weekend, I lost my first-favorite.

I pretty much only wear black baseball caps, unless there's a cause to wear a Mr. Peanut top hat or a Viking Helmet. I've always owned two such hats - former baseball hats, one from high school, the other from college - to which I have a fair amount of sentimental attachment. The first hat's story of loss isn't that special - a French girl stole it from me at a party I was at a few weeks ago (that's just like the French, always stealing our hats). The second chapeau's story was a bit more interesting.

The bar Sangria near our house is always either teeming with people or else near-going-out-of-business empty. When it's deserted, I feel sorry for it, but that sympathy is mitigated when it's full, because they turn into real pretentious bastards. Keep in mind this is the Hermosa Pier, where it's OK to go into the nicest bars covered in sand and wearing flips flops and a belt bag. Yet at Sangria last Saturday night, my sandals were OK, but apparently my black baseball cap was not deemed classy enough to enter the premises.

The bouncer told me my options were A) Take the hat back to the car and wait in line again, or B) Hang my hat on their suspiciously empty hat rack by the door and hope to get it back at the end of the night. Now, upon selecting option B), I was fully aware that there was a decent chance my black cap wouldn't make it through the evening. But when I returned from the bathroom 5 minutes later and saw that my hat was already gone, I felt I was owed an explanation.

"Dude, is my hat gone already? I've only been here for 6 minutes!" I exclaimed, to which the bouncer briefly looked around the entry area and then profusely apologized. I was not to be placated, however. Until the bouncer gave me ten dollars. Then I was placated.

I pitched my first game of Varsity high school baseball in that hat. It survived many a rain delay and hot summer double-header, moved to college and California with me, and was worn and stained to the point that I don't know why anyone would steal it. It was a much-used, much-loved heirloom that could never be replaced… but 10 bucks!? Hell yeah, let's spend that shit on beer!

If anyone knows where I can get a cheap black fitted baseball cap, preferably with an orange "S" or a purple "N" on the front, please let me know.

Nick & Angie - 3/8/05
Shortly after my hat-losing debacle from the last entry, I decided to walk home from the Hermosa Pier, and was nearly run over by friends Nick and Angie Liske as I crossed Pacific Coast Highway. What's strange about this (other than the coincidence of running into someone you know in the middle of a busy street at midnight on a Friday), was that it seems like every single time I have a car malfunction or am somehow in need of a lift, I run into the Liskes:

- When the Spacemobile went down in November, Nick was in the car. He helped push the Spacemobile into a local parking lot, where he called Angie, who came to pick us up.

- When the Spacemobile broke down for a final time in January, Angie was driving by on the 405 to see me marooned on the shoulder next to my crippled turquoise craft. She promptly called Nick, who called me, and offered me a ride. They were on their way to a wedding, but stopped by to drop me off a car.

- A week later, when I was still without a car and waiting for a bus in Inglewood, Nick drove by and saw me, and picked up his cell phone to offer me a ride. I would have accepted, but I didn't know he was watching me and I hung up on his call.

They are there so often that I'd start to think it was a conspiracy, except that I wouldn't know what the conspiracy was about. One thing is certain, though - they're always in the right place at the right time, with the right offer:

- When they saw me on PCH, they rolled down their window and announced they were going to In 'N Out. I immediately jumped in the car, gobbled a Double Double and ended up at seedy airport bar drinking 40 ounce buckets of Hefeweizen with Angie's 21 year old brother. A good cap for a strange night.

Yes, when the Liskes are around, things just seem to work out. Let's all hope they don't move to the Valley.

Best Search Hits - March - 4/2/05
Twas a good month for search strings in March:

- funny monkeys wallpaper
- 8 hotdogs 10 buns
- bitch shift
- mistake on the wisconisin quarter
- colored whitehouses
- Anchorman Paul Majors
- fuck canada
- funny gymnast
- gay spankings
- …and 57 hits for FUNNY MIDGETS

Weekend Mayhem - 4/6/05
Honestly, I think I abuse my body more now than I ever did in college. I just sleep more to recover.

Saturday was our second annual 702 Random-Draw Beerpong Tournament. Now much to say, except that two guys I'd never met before ended up winning. Good times.

Prior to that, the house was the grounds of the first annual 702 Slam Dunk Contest, which was twenty times more awesome than could have ever been expected. Tune in later this week to vote on the winner of this ridiculous event.

Team Us

But the most photogenic event of the weekend was the first annual Hermosa Stripper Beach Football Game. We've decided that all great ideas are conceived over a pitcher of Bud Light at Sharkeez, and last week my Sunday beach football teammates and I lubricatedly challenged

Team Them

another team to a wild 'n wooly, no holds barred match... dressed as strippers. Similar to last year's Stripfest party, everyone showed up as a stripper who hadn't stripped yet... well, the pictures convey the idea pretty well.

Clothing was removed for each touchdown scored. I think we lost, but not to the point of being naked... to be honest, I don't really remember. Ironically, the thing that had spawned the game in the first place - getting to Sharkeez two hours beforehand - was the same thing that kept scores - and hand-eye coordination - very low.

For some reason, there seemed to be an exorbitant amount of boob-grabbing

Return of the Smile - 4/7/05
There've been some broken links on this site recently, mostly due to CIHOST (the worst web host ever) crashing and taking all my old websites with it. Then on top of that selling my hugesmile domain name and not telling me about it.

Anyway, I finally got around to reuploading all the stuff, so if you need some reading material, hugesmileinc.com has returned. My old college site, it's full of entertainment, onion-style journalism, and dirty, dirty jokes.

Taco Bell Challenge - 4/8/05
Last night, after the bars, Noah foolishly proclaimed that he could eat more items at Taco Bell than I could. This was a terrible idea, given that:

A) I outweigh him by at least 50 pounds.
B) I grew up in a house where, if you didn't cram as much food into your mouth as you could before it was gone, you went hungry for 24 hours.
C) I once ate 13 slices of deep dish pizza in an hour because somebody told me I couldn't.

Actually, we both ate 4 items, but I got the nod because two of mine were half-pound mega-items. The following was our order at the drive-through window:

- 2 Baja Chalupas
- 1 1/2-pound Bean Burrito
- 1 1/2-pound Bean Burrito Especial
- 1 1/2-pound Bean and Potato Burrito
- 1 Grilled Stuff Burrito Taco
- 1 Grilled Stuffed Taco
- 1 Ranchero Taco
- 1 Grilled Steak Taco
- 1 Cheese Quesadilla

The Burrito Especial and the Ranchero Taco made it until morning, where the victor had claims to the spoils. The total bill for these items: $17.65

Today, the toilet area of our bathroom could only be described as a "crime scene."

Pope Odds - 4/20/05
I guess they elected a pope yesterday, but I wanted to post this from last week when things were all tied up in Dunk Contest glory.

Roommate Kolleen was browsing the internet last week when she found this headline on Yahoo News:

First of all, I love that people are betting on who the next Pope is going to be. And not just who it's going to be, but the very characteristics of the next religious leader. Like, I got ten bucks on the Pope being left-handed, or that he's from a city that starts with the letter "T". Too bad the potential Popes don't have cool race names, like Clemency's Run or Cath-o-tastic, or Vegas could have a really sweet-looking odds board.

Second - and I'm sure you, the humor-appreciating reading, have already spotted this - this is about the most blatant Onion headline ever. What, the Pope's going to be old and European? As opposed to what, an Asian teenager?

It makes me wonder if anyone's got money riding on the long shot of the new Pope not even being Christian. Not a likely bet, but man, think of the payoff! In this case, of course, use of the old rhetorical cliche "Is the Pope Catholic?" might have to be temporarily suspended... at least until the bookies can make odds.

Untitled Formulaic Teen Sex Comedy - 4/21/05
Last fall, Sam and I completed what we determined was a smart, satirical and hopefully funny comedy screenplay. We had a reading; it went over well.

One week later when our script had not yet sold for many millions of dollars, we become disgusted with the industry that cancels clever shows like Arrested Development and doesn't want to pay millions of dollars for a smart, satirical and hopefully funny comedy screenplay.

PAUL: Screw this! If they don't want something smart, I'm just going to write the dumbest thing I can think of.
SAM: Bet I can write something dumber. I'm going to write a Formulaic Underdog Sports Comedy.
PAUL: Oh yeah? Well I'm going to write a Formulaic Teen Sex Comedy.
SAM: Bet I can write mine faster than you.
PAUL: (short beat) It's on.

That was seven months ago, and, well, my idea of churning out the next American Pie (except dumber) in seven days didn't quite move along as quickly as I thought. But last night I finally won our bet.

I think I might just leave the title as that.

Return to Fraternity Life - 4/24/05
This past weekend brought a visit to Alex in Providence, and with it, a return to fraternity life. It was a binge of video games, (we beat 120 levels of Rampage), sleeping three brothers to one tiny-ass fraternity room, and playing drinking games basically from sun-up until plane-ride-home. There was a beerpong tournament involved somewhere, in which Team Jury didn't fare as well as expected, due partly to the 14 games of beerpong that preceded it. I think I'm going to announce my retirement from professional beerpong.

It was Brown's annual Spring "everyone-take- the-stick-out-of-their-ass-and-have-a-good-time" Weekend, and Alex's Theta Delta Chi fraternity represented impressively with a supply of beer that would make breweries jealous. It took a ten-man fire-brigade chain to load 150 cases of Busch Light into a basement storeroom, and the same ten men to drink the first couple cases in about 20 minutes. At 30 cans per case, that's 4,500 beers, most of which were gone by the time I left Sunday afternoon.

It's been a while now since I was in a fraternity in college, but some things never change. One is the amazing phenomenon of college fraternity parties, which take flight by the easy application of four simple steps:

Step 1) Get the dirtiest house you can find. Have 30 guys move in and trash the place with beer cans, food spills and passed-out freshmen.

Step 2) Aquire the smallest drink selection possible - have only light beer, hopefully of a crappy variety, for instance Busch Light. Just make sure there's a lot of it.

Step 3) Put the same 8 hip-hop songs on CD-repeat, and push a giant speaker up to an outdoor window, so people will know where to go.

Step 4) Hundreds of college girls will shortly arrive, dressed their best and looking for fun. Hundreds of college guys will arrive shortly thereafter, following the girls. Get these guys to join the house, have them move in, rinse, and repeat.

Fascinating. Simply fascinating.

It reminds me of the time during New Student week and I when my roommates and I told no one we were having a party, just got a keg and turned on music at about 9:30. One roommate didn't think it would work and went to the library for an hour. When he came back, the house was filled with two hundred freshmen who'd flocked to our house like moths to a porch light. They were even more than happy to let us charge them admission.

On a family note, Alex was a wonderful host, enlisting several pledges to wait on us hand and foot the entire weekend, including a kid he woke up at midnight Thursday to come get me at the airport. His hospitality was an echo of Mark's during last month's New York trip, when he had a car service pick me up and then paid for everything. I swear next time they come to LA I'm going to have to get several eunuchs to fetch them from the airport in a princely rickshaw.

Gross Cups - 4/25/05
Speaking of gross living conditions, the following is what happens when you leave unattended cups on a ping pong table for a week:

The one on the left is mold. The one on the right used to be a banana.

The sad thing is that these cups were found not in a fraternity house, but in our very own garage.

The good thing is that I think we discovered penicillin.

My Current Desktop Background - 4/26/05
I think this is the most post-modern thing I've ever done.

It looks even weirder on my desk.

Or course, a feat like this raises certain philosophical, rhetorical, and quasi-metaphysical questions, such as:

- How did I do it? How many pictures did I have to take to accomplish this effect?
- Could I have accomplished the same with fewer pictures and more Photoshop?
- What in God's name is wrong with me?

I don't know the answers to these latter two questions, but the answer to the first one is simple. Turns out all you need is a digital camera, a lot of time on your hands, and a dangerous mental disorder.

...Which Reminds Me... - 4/28/05
The reason I got this idea in the first place was because of an April Fool's prank I wanted to play on someone this year but never got around to:

Step 1) Get onto their computer when they're not around and screen-capture their desktop. Most computers have a "Print Screen" button which freezes whatever's currently on their screen into a 1024x768 jpg image.

Step 2) Save this image onto their computer somewhere they won't find it, then set this image as their desktop background.

Step 3) They won't notice the difference at first, because everything will look like it did before. That is, until they start trying to move icons around on their desktop and find that there's a non-movable duplicate-image stuck beneath it (part of the background), that can't be altered or deleted no matter how much they try. Watch their head explode as they try to figure out what the hell's wrong with their computer.

This was opposed to my alternate Fool's Day plan:

Step 1) Throw their computer into a lake.

It's a little less subtle, but I'm sure anyone watching would have to admit it would be a pretty good prank.

One Upped - 4/28/05
OK, I thought the computer background thing with the repeating picture was cool, but it turns out there's some people on the internet who totally put me to shame.

I also thought I had a lot of time on my hands.

What you do is take a picture of what's behind your computer screen - cords, a wall, whatever - then crop it so that it exactly matches your screen. You have to be very precise and the effect only works from one angle, but the result can be really neat looking. So of course I had to try my own.

It's not as good, but hey, I've got other things to do.

Anyway, there's a whole bunch of these on the internet. Some of them are truly amazing.