Whenever the brothers Jury (Paul, Mark and Alex) get together, things tend to get broken. When we were growing up and living in the same house, we broke an entire room. Even before that, coming out of the womb at 9.5, 9 and 10.5 pounds, respectively (Mark was only 9 pounds because he was a week premature), I guess you could say we nearly broke our mother.

As we've grown older, this tendency has only gone stronger, especially when malt liquor is involved. Once, tromping down the streets of Evanston carrying construction equipment and knocking down fences, we were noted to resemble a "walking implement of destruction", and the soubriquet stuck. And that was even before Alex later threw a garbage can off of a cruise boat.

To commemorate our destructive brotherly bond, I wanted to get three shirts made for this year's holiday season. The front of the shirts were to have a filmstrip graphic of the 3 monsters from the popular video game Rampage™, which I "borrowed" and Photoshopped from an online screenshot of the game. These monsters were known to knock down buildings and destroy helicopters and busses in this delightful game we all played as children, so I thought the parallel would be appropriate. The back of the shirts would be jersey-like, each displaying the name "Implement", as well as a number for our corresponding birth order. The shirts would also be some ridiculous color, like bright green or orange.

Needless to say, these shirts were eventually acquired. But it was a sticky process. Rather than burden you with my retelling of the experience, the next few days' posts will contain the reprinted emails that went back and forth between myself and various people involved in the hindering - and later success - of my attainment of the three now-famous Implement shirts. Enjoy.

<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Sundeen, Misty [mailto:mistys@zazzle.com]
Sent: Monday, November 8, 2004 2:06 PM
To: paul@paulspond.com
Subject: Your Zazzle Order

Dear Mr. Jury,

Thank you for your recent order with Zazzle.com. We strive to meet customer needs and fulfill our commitment to offering the best selection of online, made-to-order products and designs available.

It has come to our attention that an issue has arisen with your order. According to our Manufacturing Department, trademarked images and/or text was used in your design, which unfortunately makes us unable to complete the order. While we hope to serve all our customers' needs, the strict copyright infringement policies of our Legal Department do not allow us to print products containing trademarked or otherwise registered elements.

Please update your order accordingly, and let us know what we can do to help make your experience with Zazzle a positive one.

Thanks for shopping!

Misty Sundeen
Customer Care Department
Zazzle.com
mistys@zazzle.com
>>>

2/25/05
<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Jury, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 9, 2004 1:44 AM
To: mistys@zazzle.com
Subject: RE: Your Zazzle Order

Dear Misty,

Hey, thanks for the email. I'm sorry to hear about the issue with my order. I understand you guys have to do the right thing as far as legality is concerned. Zazzle seems like it's running a tight ship.

I wanted to ask you, though, are you sure this particular case would represent a copyright issue? Perhaps some background could help clarify. I'm a 24-year-old teacher in Los Angeles, and I'm trying to make the shirts for Christmas for my younger brothers who are huge Rampage fans (the video game in question). I assure you there is no money-making infringement going on here. I ask you to consider the following points:

First, do we even know for sure these particular images are trademarked? I realize if I made illegal copies of the whole game and distributed it, that would be an issue. But this is just half the graphic from the Select Screen. I even rearranged the order of the monsters' heads and changed "Dateline --- Peoria" to "Dateline --- Minneapolis". I don't think Minneapolis is even a level in Rampage.

Second, no money will be made off these shirts. We're just going to wear them around, so I won't be making any profit off other people's images. Neither will you, since I could buy the shirts from you whether they contained the images or not. If I bought the shirts plain and ironed the Rampage monsters on myself at home, would that be illegal? I always thought in order for something to be copyright infringement, somebody had to be gaining something. Other than the joy of wearing cool-ass shirts, I mean.

Third, there's virtually no chance that whoever owns the rights to these images (assuming they even do) would ever find out about this. You can erase the designs as soon as the shirts are made, and I'll even delete them from my computer if it'll help. I really doubt the graphic designer from Rampage is going to see us walking down the street sometime and be like "Hey! Did you pay me for those?"

And finally, c'mon. It's just three shirts. Even if you did get sued, what would it be, like four dollars? I'm more than happy to preemptively include that amount in your tip. Seriously, how much damage could three shirts do? We're probably just going to get drunk in them.

I hope this will help make things clearer, and possibly alter your decision on this. Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.

Hopefully hear from you soon!

- Paul
paul@paulspond.com
>>>

2/27/05
<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Sundeen, Misty [mailto:mistys@zazzle.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 10, 2004 11:43 AM
To: paul@paulspond.com
Subject: RE: Your Zazzle Order

Dear Mr. Jury,

Thank you for your email. After carefully reviewing your response, I'm afraid we still aren't able to complete your order. We appreciate your situation, but our Legal Department is very stringent regarding these matters, and it's difficult for us to make exceptions for unique cases.

Addressing some of your concerns:

It doesn't matter whether or not money will be made from the shirts. Our Trademark Department defines infringement as "any situation which could conceivably lead to the unauthorized profit or misused of registered property". So unfortunately it's not a matter of WILL money be made, it's a theoretical matter of COULD money be made.

It doesn't matter whether or not the infringement would be discovered. A copyright issue remains a copyright issue whether it's discovered or not, just as a homicide is a homicide whether or not it's known about. Unfortunately we're unable to rely on you assurances that "no one would ever find out," because one never really knows for certain the probability than an event will occur. Besides, predicting the future is generally outside the scope of what we do here at Zazzle.

It doesn't matter who exactly owns the rights to the images. For future reference, just to note, it would likely be the video game company that owns the rights to the images, rather than a specific graphic designer (according to our Design Property Attribution Department).

It doesn't matter what the amount of damages would be if the issue was raised in court. It doesn't matter precisely what you plan to do in the shirts. It doesn't matter whether or not Minneapolis is a level in Rampage. Unfortunately, all that matters currently are the legal matters cited above.

The only possible option would be for you to get expressed written consent to use the images in question from the proper owner, and pass these authentic documents on to us. Perhaps they have an Expressed Written Consent Department.

Only under these circumstances would we be able to reconsider your situation. Our apologies, and thanks again for shopping with Zazzle!

Misty Sundeen
Customer Care Department
Zazzle.com
mistys@zazzle.com
>>>

2/28/05
<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Jury, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Thursday, November 11, 2004 2:49 AM
To: info@midway.com; customerservice@midway.com
Cc: expressedwrittenconsentdepartment@midway.com
Subject: Rampage Question

Dear Midway Games,

My name's Paul Jury, a 24-year-old teacher from Los Angeles… I had a question regarding an image from your fantastic video game, Rampage (the original). I have two younger brothers who are big fans of the game, and for Christmas I wanted to get 3 shirts made for us bearing a modified image taken from the game (the three monsters' headshots stacked atop one another on the select screen). Unfortunately, the online shirt-design company I'm trying to order the shirts from has told me they can't do the design without permission from whomever holds the copyright license (I'm assuming it's you). I was hoping you could help.

Apparently I need "expressed written consent" to use this image on these three shirts. Is that something you would be able to provide? Do you know who could help me? I didn't know where else to turn. It's three shirts! The image is just real small on the front center. It would be free advertising, if anything. I can send you the design if you want.

I assure you there is no money-making going on here off your product. Just three shirts for Christmas for my Rampage-loving family. And trust me, these shirts are pretty ridiculous - I don't think I could infringe and make money off them even if I wanted to.

Please let me know what I can do. I'm happy to pay you if there's a small processing fee involved, or anything. Imagine, free Rampage advertising, and you actually make money? That's just good business. The woman who contact me from Zazzle is Misty [mistys@zazzle.com]. Perhaps email her if it's OK to use the image, or email me about what could be done about this matter? Thanks so much.

Looking forward to sporting Rampage gear… Hopefully hear from you soon!

- Paul
paul@paulspond.com
>>>

3/1/05
<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Jury, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 16, 2004 3:34 AM
To: mistys@zazzle.com
Subject: RE: Your Zazzle Order

Dear Misty,

I've emailed Midway Games several times and they haven't gotten back to me. While I'm still assuming they'll respond any day now (or perhaps they're simply preparing the necessary documents to send over to you), I thought I'd pass along this story.

My friend Sam went through a similar situation when he wanted to order some shirts for a bachelor party he was organizing. The shirts contained an adapted image from the hilarious movie "Bachelor Party" (starring Tom Hanks), but he was hoping the company he ordered them from (one of your competitors) would be able to make them anyway in time to meet his rush delivery order, as the bachelor party was only half a week away. Three days later the shirts arrived, just has he'd ordered them, and they were a big hit at the party. Two days after that, an email came back from the company's legal department saying they wouldn't be able to make the shirts, for similar reasons as you've sited, despite the fact that the shirts had already come, been enjoyed, and a few of them had already been regurgitated on and retired.

Apparently not all design-your-own online merchandise companies are as on top of their game as you are, but my point is this: No legal action came against the competitor company, nor against my friend Sam, for these shirts. It seemed as if the legal concern was really just more of a safety net, and not really required before the shirts could be printed (apparently the people in the printing department didn't give two shits about whether or not "Bachelor Party" was trademarked.) Perhaps it's also OK to make my shirts, then, as well? I know the "Bachelor Party" picture on Sam's shirts was at least three times as big as the monster pictures on my shirts. And I bet the people at Universal Pictures pay a lot more attention to these types of matters than the hard-to-email recluses at Midway.

Hope this helps change your mind. I also wanted to add that, since you mentioned it in your last email, I promise there's no way I could make money off these shirts. Have you seen them? Anyway, hopefully Midway will come through, to the satisfaction of everyone, very soon!

- Paul
paul@paulspond.com
>>>

3/3/05
<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Sundeen, Misty [mailto:mistys@zazzle.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 17, 2004 9:56 AM
To: paul@paulspond.com
Subject: RE: Your Zazzle Order

Mr. Jury,

It doesn't matter what your friend Sam did. Again, I reiterate: a law is a law. If your friend Sam committed a murder and got away with it, would that make it OK for you to do the same?

I'm afraid I'm rather too busy to continue our email correspondence. It seems clear that Midway isn't going to return your inquiries, and I need to return to our real business of making legal shirts, whatever shaky arguments you might offer. How do you know you couldn't make money off the shirts? They're exactly the kind of nonsensical, pointless attire that seems to spark the fad interest of kids these days. Who knows, what if they became wildly popular overseas? Lord knows there are plenty of kids running around in Asia wearing Philadelphia Eagles 2005 Superbowl Champions shirts - why not yours? Lastly, at least one person is pretty determined to have these ridiculous, monster-ridden yellow shirts, no matter what lengths it takes. There are probably others like you, or are they all too busy stealing other video game graphics and bothering online vendors?

I'm now considering this matter closed; if you have any additional concerns, please direct them to our Department Of Irritating Customers Who Have Nothing Better To Do That To Continue To Bother Us Department. By the way, go ahead and try your luck with the company your friend used, but don't get your hopes up. It's probably DesignAShirt.com; those guys couldn't find their assholes if they squatted on a mirror.

Thanks for shopping with Zazzle!

Misty Sundeen
Customer Care Department
Zazzle.com
mistys@zazzle.com
>>>

3/4/05
<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Jury, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Thursday, November 18, 2004 4:15 AM
To: mistys@zazzle.com
Subject: RE: Your Zazzle Order

Dear Misty,

Wow. Well, I thought having a whole department designated to "Customer Care" might be good news to a potential buyer of yellow shirts, but I guess not. I'm just trying to make Christmas presents here. But I guess at the end of the day, it's just about the money for you, and I'm saddened that you aren't willing to look past that and help bring a happy holiday to the Jury family.

Oh, and that "Department Of Obnoxious Customers" crack was completely out of line. Which is why it's time for me to let you have it.

First of all, no, I COULDN'T make money. New fad? Kids in Asia? What, are you suddenly racist against Asian people and the Philadelphia Eagles? That's a little uncouth for someone in a sales profession, even if you ARE just in Customer Service. Why don't you take Donovan McNabb to one of the Cambodian sweatshops your shirts are undoubtedly made in, and try that line?

Speaking of Asia, even if I could make money, Lizzie the Rampaging Lizard is an obvious rip-off of Godzilla. Not to mention the Wolfman and King-Kong… I think Midway has its hands full making sure THEIR ass doesn't get sued (come to think of it, this is probably why they haven't emailed me). That's like somebody singing Ice Ice Baby at a karaoke bar, and then having Vanilla Ice come after them because he stole that music from Queen, first.

Oh, and speaking of comparisons…
>>>If your friend Sam committed a murder and got away with it, would that make it OK for you to do the same?
I think it's a little much to compare trademark infringement to homicide, don't you? Good thing you're not in the Legal Department. Why don't you ask a little boy who's just watched his father get killed in a drive-by whether he'd prefer that, or having somebody steal the picture of a gorilla he drew in art class? See, I can make uncouth comparisons; I'm not losing business over it.

Addressing a few of your other previous points:

>>>Besides, predicting the future is generally outside the scope of what we do here at Zazzle.
Really? Gee, I'm surprised. Don't worry - I was only hoping for a little common courtesy, not for you to make prophesies. Guess I set my expectations too high. Maybe I should have wished for unprovoked sarcasm.

>>>For future reference, just to note, it would likely be the video game company that owns the rights to the images, rather than a specific graphic designer (according to our Design Property Attribution Department).
I know it isn't the graphic designer. It's called hyperbole. And I don't even think there IS a Design Property Attribution Department.

>>>Thanks for shopping with Zazzle!
Technically, I haven't shopped with Zazzle, since no transaction has actually taken place. And now I probably never will. Why don't you tell that to your Transaction Department?

Thanks for shopping with Paulspond…… biatch.

- Paul
paul@paulspond.com

PS: Please let me know if you can still make the shirts.
>>>

3/5/05
<<<
-----Original Message-----
From: Jury, Paul [mailto:paul@paulspond.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 24, 2004 5:01 AM
To: mistys@zazzle.com
Subject: RE: Your Zazzle Order

Dear Misty,

Nevermind, go ahead and cancel the order - I got DesignAShirt to make the shirts. Hopefully George the Giant Ape won't sue them.

Thanks.

- Paul
paul@paulspond.com
>>>