Bell rings: Glee is back in session!
So what happened?
We’re guided through the opening reorientation by stereotyperiffic Jacob Ben Israel, who’s looking more and more like a cross between Jonah Hill and Artie from The Simpsons.
Also, we’d never noticed this before, but have you seen Israel’s mic tag?
Our Jewish history scholar team tells us this either translates roughly to “racially insensitive prop joke”… or else is just the initials JBI, made to look all Hebrew-y.
Since it’s the new school year, Jacob is also nice enough to basically just exposition out a list of what grade everybody’s in. If you’re keeping track:
FINN = Senior
RACHEL = Senior
KURT = Senior
MIKE (aka Dancing Asian Guy) = Senior
ARTIE = Junior
TINA = Junior
SANTANA = Senior
Which means that if there’s going to be another season, failing some serious flunkage, or Brittany inventing a time machine (which she DOES hint at)... it’ll star Artie and Tina, while everyone else moves on to Glee: The College Years.
They also make quick work of who’s still dating whom. Finn and Rachel are still together, as are Kurt and Blaine, and Will and Emma (though not boning). Puckerman has been dumped by Lauren “Greco-Roman” Zizes, and Mercedes has split with Blond Bieber and is now with a football lineman who’s even… well…
No, no insensitive weight jokes.
Oh, and the PLOTS?
- Sue continues her ascent toward a Thanatos-esque God of Destruction level by declaring war not just on Will and Glee Club, but on the entire Arts Program of every high school in Ohio. Will fights back by macing her with glitter.
- Will uses a panoply of purple pianos as a Glee recruiting device. Sue sets out to destroy said pianos.
Because Glee Club wasn’t fabulous enough already.
- Kurt persuades Blaine to transfer to McKinley, and Blaine splashes his entrance with an energetic recess rendition of “It’s Not Unusual”, which cumulates with the Cheerios setting one of the purple pianos on fire, adding arson to vandalism, slander, and glitter-based assault on the list of crimes committed in the episode.
Quinn is now a dyed-hair, cigarette-smoking member of a Bad Girls clique politely dubbed “The Skanks”, and looks like a cross between Natalie Portman from The Professional and that chick from the Fifth Element.
And, finally, MUSICAL NUMBER-WISE...
Nothing can beat the finale number of “Can’t Stop The Beat”, led by Mercedes, who, in the theme of everyone having to wear purple outfits the whole episode, looks like a little like...
Or Purplesaurus Rex. OK, sorry, one insensitive weight joke.