Return to Fraternity Life - 4/24/05
This past weekend brought a visit to Alex in Providence, and with it, a return to fraternity life. It was a binge of video games, (we beat 120 levels of Rampage), sleeping three brothers to one tiny-ass fraternity room, and playing drinking games basically from sun-up until plane-ride-home. There was a beerpong tournament involved somewhere, in which Team Jury didn't fare as well as expected, due partly to the 14 games of beerpong that preceded it. I think I'm going to announce my retirement from professional beerpong.

It was Brown's annual Spring "everyone-take- the-stick-out-of-their-ass-and-have-a-good-time" Weekend, and Alex's Theta Delta Chi fraternity represented impressively with a supply of beer that would make breweries jealous. It took a ten-man fire-brigade chain to load 150 cases of Busch Light into a basement storeroom, and the same ten men to drink the first couple cases in about 20 minutes. At 30 cans per case, that's 4,500 beers, most of which were gone by the time I left Sunday afternoon.

It's been a while now since I was in a fraternity in college, but some things never change. One is the amazing phenomenon of college fraternity parties, which take flight by the easy application of four simple steps:

Step 1) Get the dirtiest house you can find. Have 30 guys move in and trash the place with beer cans, food spills and passed-out freshmen.

Step 2) Aquire the smallest drink selection possible - have only light beer, hopefully of a crappy variety, for instance Busch Light. Just make sure there's a lot of it.

Step 3) Put the same 8 hip-hop songs on CD-repeat, and push a giant speaker up to an outdoor window, so people will know where to go.

Step 4) Hundreds of college girls will shortly arrive, dressed their best and looking for fun. Hundreds of college guys will arrive shortly thereafter, following the girls. Get these guys to join the house, have them move in, rinse, and repeat.

Fascinating. Simply fascinating.

It reminds me of the time during New Student week and I when my roommates and I told no one we were having a party, just got a keg and turned on music at about 9:30. One roommate didn't think it would work and went to the library for an hour. When he came back, the house was filled with two hundred freshmen who'd flocked to our house like moths to a porch light. They were even more than happy to let us charge them admission.

On a family note, Alex was a wonderful host, enlisting several pledges to wait on us hand and foot the entire weekend, including a kid he woke up at midnight Thursday to come get me at the airport. His hospitality was an echo of Mark's during last month's New York trip, when he had a car service pick me up and then paid for everything. I swear next time they come to LA I'm going to have to get several eunuchs to fetch them from the airport in a princely rickshaw.

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