Observations on Wheels - part 3 - 6/17/05
Since this is a humor site, and since I haven't offended anybody since Monday's post about Fong the diabolical Asian blackjack dealer (believe me, there was a much more offensive version of the post I didn't publish), I'll conclude this three-day series with a slightly less-PC take on some of the things Sean and Brian discussed doing after their bar wheelchair experiment went so well.

Sean related most of these ideas to me in the hypothetical during a phone call the next day, suggesting that I "try some of them out, if you can get your hands on a wheelchair." First of all, Sean, where there's a will, there's a wheelchair. But why am I suddenly the Jackass guy? Just because I once went into a cafeteria naked and another time tried to stay overnight in a closed library… and then there was that time I rode a box filled with packing peanuts down stairs… but I digress. I already got in trouble once in Sunday school for racing our church's spare wheelchair down a hall and crashing into the pastor, so I'm not sure I'll ever actually try any of these stunts. But Brian and Sean and I did manage to come up with a couple funny/completely offensive pranks to try, involving wheelchairs at bars:

- Grope people. Sean got away with it a little trying to get through crowded areas… why not go a little further? Is a girl really going to slap a guy in a wheelchair if he grabs her ass? Perhaps if he did it repeatedly, but maybe there's the contest - how many times can you goose somebody from a wheelchair before they stop feeling bad for you and start wailing on you?

- Fall down a flight of stairs. I bet they'd actually stop the music for this one, especially if you laid there for a little while on the floor, groaning, your chair on top of you. Guaranteed attention and appalled expressions from half the bar, at least. You could probably get three or four free drinks out of it. At least.

- Stage a fight. It doesn't matter who starts it; if you and a confederate start a fake brawl in the middle of a bar, when you're in a wheelchair and he's not, I guarantee the bouncers are going to come down a lot harder on him than you. Especially if at the climax he throws you down a flight of stairs (see previous bullet). Actually, I kind of like the idea of you starting it, and him trying really hard not to get in a fight with a guy in a wheelchair, until you push him too far.

- Get cured. Perhaps it's the fall down the stairs that does it, or a certain miracle combination of free shots, but suddenly you could push yourself out of your wheelchair, praise Jesus, then struggle waveringly to your feet, to the amazed and confused looks of the patrons around you. Come to think of it, this might work better at a Baptist revival meeting than at a bar.

So there you have it. All the potential insight and sentimentality I may have attained in the past couple posts is gone now, and I can go back to writing about malt liquor and making fun of Asian people.

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