Lobby Ambassador - 10/30/05
For those wondering (and I'm sure no one is), I still work as a security guard two nights a week. Though my business of teaching rich kids how to take the SAT has proven very successful, there's something about drinking Mountain Dew to stay up until 7am in a random office building that I'm just not ready to give up. I definitely plan to stick around at least until Christmas bonuses come out - last year I received a $75 gift certificate to Ralph's that kept me in Ramen and Eggo's for weeks.

My latest amusement at work is that my job title has recently ceased to be "security guard" or "night watchman" or even "guy who writes and listens to Green Day behind the front desk at 3am". In an ongoing effort to toady to the high-paying tenants who reside in our building, my title has been euphemistically upgraded to "Lobby Ambassador." Maybe it was just due for another name-change… you have to keep things moving in an industry where any job title eventually become synonymous with "one who sleeps."

The title change, which was accompanied by a high-rolling $8.75-to-$9.00-per-hour pay bump, raises the question of what, exactly, is a "Lobby Ambassador"? I get the "Lobby" part, as that is the room in which I do most of my sleeping/writing. But the "Ambassador"? Is this to imply that there are other lobbies out there with which I must maintain a stable diplomatic relationship? If so, what good am I doing if I'm never allowed to leave my building? Shouldn't I get a special escort and paid accommodations when I am needed for council on, say, equitable tariff rates between our delivery guys and theirs? Is it my job to learn the customs and rituals of these strange foreign lobbies, so that I might better fit in during my frequent visits and not embarrass myself or my lobby?

Also, what happens if I leave my lobby? Am I still the Ambassador if I go to the loading dock for a few minutes? Why is there no Loading Dock Ambassador? I guess the loading lock is a fairly savage frontier, and not worthy of having its own Ambassador; I should be more concerned with attacks from natives there and/or remembering to leave the door open for the garbage guys when they come at 6am.

Finally, and most importantly, do I get some kind of immunity for being Lobby Ambassador? If I were to, say, kill a man, would I be immune to legal repercussions as long as the killing occurred within the confines of our lobby? But not in, say, the broom closet? I suppose the Broom Closet Ambassador would have to be consulted for that one.

These are just some questions that confront me the Lobby Ambassador, in all My Might, when I'm awake Embassing (the verb form of Ambassador, I've decided) at 3am.

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