Sky Mall - 10/21/05
Nothing as eventful as the trail mix episode occurred on my flight back from Kristian's wedding... which is sad, because the train mix episode wasn't really all that eventful.

I did have a good time, however, browsing through the Skymall catalogue in the seat pocket in front of me. For anyone who's never flown on a plane (go back to Uzbekistan), Skymall is this magazine full of ridiculously useless, overpriced stuff you can order from your seat phone and have shipped to your house, where it will sit in your garage and never ever be used. It's a marketing attempt aimed at the only audience who could possibly think about buying such useless crap - that is, people trapped in tiny airplane seats for five hours with nothing to do.

Reading Skymall is depressing in the way watching the Home Shopping Network is depressing; most of the stuff they sell is so pointless it makes you sad for humanity. But occasionally there are some real gems.

Item: Air Massager Headband
Price: $69.95

I remember when I though massage chairs and airplane-neck-pillows were useless. Apparently this thing massages your temples by moving air around with its adjustable pump, while simultaneously keeping your head warm and making you look like the biggest retard ever. I feel really sorry for the model who had to smile for this picture.

Item: Air Travel Pillow
Price: $29.95

Speaking of airplane-neck-pillows, this cumbersome beauty takes mid-flight slumber to the next level by compacting all the comfort of sleeping against a bus-seat into an object almost as big as one. I mean, if you're going to bring this on the plane, you might as well bring your waterbed. At least it funnels the drool right down into your crotch.

Item: PetPocket
Price: $39.95

If there's one thing I'd like to see more of, it's products that encourage pet-obsessed people to take their fixations to the next level. PetPocket? I don't think a guinea pig would ride very well in there.

Item: Mock Rock
Price: $79.95

OK, just stop. I know large rocks are a rare commodity in North America, but is this plastic blob really worth eighty dollars? I've heard of keeping a fake rock outside your door for the purpose of hiding a key inside, but you could hide a child inside this one. Or maybe that's the idea.

Item: Hot Dog Toaster 2000
Price: $89.95

What? I remember the days when you had to boil your hot dogs, or roast them over a fire, or God forbid throw them in the microwave for thirty seconds. Thanks the Hot Dog Toaster 2000, those caveman days are over. Now, you can enjoy your processed pig kidneys with the flick of a wrist and four minutes of waiting for your dog to pop. Fake mustard container not included.

Item: Mombasa, the Garden Giraffe
Price: $895.00

I'm not even sure where to start on this. It's an eight-foot giraffe you put in your yard to show off to your neighbors what an unconscionable retard you are. I don't know what it's made of, and I don't care. It costs nine-hundred dollars! Who thought of this? What drugs were they on? Has anyone ever actually bought one of these? If so, I really want to meet them so I can punch them in the neck and ask what they're still doing alive. Seriously. Seeing this in a catalogue actually for purchase makes me want to vomit and then jump out a window.

OK, rant subsided. Hopefully my Mock Rock will be arriving soon, safely and in one piece.



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