The Best 20 Cereals. Period. - 5/21/09
I love cereal. When I was growing up with my two large brothers in Minnesota, the day consisted of 5 meals: Breakfast (cereal), Lunch, After School Snack (cereal), Dinner (cereal, if we didn't like what mom was cooking), and Dinner 2 (cereal). My parents would drive our Volkswagen Eurovan to Sam's Club once a month and get one of those flatbed carts just for cereal, and we had a special shelving unit installed in our pantry just for cereal. The point is, I love cereal.

In my day, I have probably eaten several boxes of every kind of cereal that has ever existed (except for the lawless, over-commercialized genre of cereal I call sweet cereal, which I'll get to a moment). And thus am a good judge to rank these cereals, definitively, so that nobody ever needs to argue about which cereals are better than which other cereals. This list should solve that problem, forever. You can thank me in heaven.

First of all, let's get one things straight: there are three very different types of cereal. Like different races of people, with oatmeal being the leper colony on the outskirts, delicious in its own way, but at the same time not really human. OK, so maybe not like a leper colony, but whatever.

First, there are your bland cereals. Not to suggest that these cereals aren't tasty, because many of them are quite so. Bland cereals are simply less complicated, less likely to many ingredients to them, less likely to have multiple cereal components, and more likely to be named things like "Flake" and "Bran". In fact, many bland cereal were discovered when somebody spilled some kind of gruel on a hot stove, and decided that the resulting flake was delicious enough to box and put in my parents basement.

Then there are the medium cereals. These cereals are not sweet cereals (which I'll get to in a moment), but they have a little more going on than bland cereals. They tend to have multiple components, or a little sugar added. Once you throw raisins in, you have yourself a medium cereal.

And then, we have the sweet cereals. Now, I'm not ragging on all sweet cereals, because some of them delicious - Cinnimon Toast Crunch, for example, is like party in my mouth to which everyone is invited. But sweet cereal is not cereal. It's dessert. The same thing happened to sweet cereal as what happened to toys. Remember when a "toy" meant a rubber ball, or jacks, or a baby doll? No, you probably don't, because you weren't alive in the 1800's. But once upon a time, jump ropes and toy train sets were the Bran Flakes and Grain O's of childhood. And then, cartoons happened. Now, they'll make a toy out of any stupid ass talking animal or adorable Japanese fighting monster that somebody can sell to kids. Likewise, they'll make a sweet cereal out of any toy. There are 50 new sweet cereals on the market every month, most of which only stay in circulation for a couple weeks. Hannah Montana Flakes. Pokemon O's. Just look at the list.

Anything you can dunk in cocoa powder, roll in cinnimon, or dump marshmallows into can be a sweet cereal. And thus, the genre is stupid, and impossible to rank. Or, perhaps I'm just harboring bitter resentment toward sweet cereals because were weren't allowed to have any when we were little.

And so, I give you definitive list. The 20 best 'real' cereals, and the 10 stupidest sweet cereals. Because at least sweet cereals are good for one thing: being made fun of.

10 Best BLAND Cereals
10 Best MEDIUM Cereals
10 STUPIDEST SWEET Cereals
1. Wheaties
2. Rice Chex
3. Special K
4. Corn Chex
5. Crispex
6. Total
7. Rice Krispies
8. Cheerios
9. Post Toasties
10. Corn Flakes
1. Raisin Nut Bran
2. Product 19
3. Special K Red Berries
4. Post Raisin Bran
5. Multi-Grain Cheerios
6. Just Right
7. Smart Start
8. Cracklin' Oat Bran
9. Honey Bunches of Oats
10. Life
10) Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal
9) Uncle Sam Cereal
8) Undercover Bears
7) Mr. Wonderfull's Suprize
6) Mud & Bugs
5) Nickelodeon Green Slime Cereal
4) Breakfast with Barbie
3) Pink Panther Flakes
2) Marshmallow Maties
1) Urkel-Os

There you have it. You're welcome.

Oh, and I don't think it even needs to be mentioned, but the worst cereal of all time is clearly Grape Nuts, which are neither Grapes nor Nuts, but are most definitely Shit.



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