Goddamn Eyelashes - 4/12/06
The other day I got an eyelash stuck in my eye. Not just in the corner, either - the goddamn thing was wedged all the way back in my optical nerve or something. Everything I rolled my eye around or rubbed it or splashed water on it, the eyelash just got deeper. I couldn't even see the goddamn thing, looking in a magnifying mirror.

It was driving me crazy. Not just "my eye itches a little and it's bugging me" crazy, more like "this is so irritating I can't even function and about to drill a whole in my head like the guy from 'Pi'" crazy. It actually hurt, the way the eyelash was scratching up my retina. It must have been made of steel wool or something.

After about 15 minutes of rubbing frantically and punching my desk, I dunked my head in a sink full of water and rolled my eye around like the Exoricist. But even that didn't help.

What's the point of eyelashes, anyway? Aren't they supposed to keep shit out of your eye? Isn't that their sole function? And here this one was, abandoning post and plunging kamakaze-style right into the deepest part of my eyeball. Bullshit rebel eyelash. I hope the other eyelashes burned all photographs of him and speak of him only in shamed whispers.

Finally I got Noah, gave him a wet Q-tip, and told him "Just jab my eyeball as much as you have to, I don't fucking care." It's a request I never thought I'd make, but it was better than the agony I was in. He did, and after several thrusts he caught something and the eyelash came out enough that I could wash it out with more water. But I swear I heard it cursing and swearing as I washed it down the drain.

Moral of the story? I hate goddamn rogue eyelashes.

In New York with the Implement this weekend, so posts may be slim, but we're trying to get the dunk contest up on line soon. Tech issues, ya know.



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