You're An All-Star - 4/16/06
Recap of my weekend in NYC with the brothers Jury as soon as I get the pictures together, but first this...

The other day I got a packet from my security company with several of these business cards enclosed:

Apparently this is their new recruiting campaign to find new security guards. After all, it's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. I've removed the company's name from the card, but I think you get the general idea. I, of course, have a few comments.

First of all, the cartoon guy they have is a little wacky-looking - kind of a disproportionate combination of Captain America and a blonde Elvis. I guess they needed some logo for the otherwise blank card, but this gives the impression that being a security guard is kind of like being a superhero, which it's not. No job is LESS like being a superhero than being a security guard. Trust me, I am one. Unless maybe a it's a superhero who sleeps a lot and drives to all-night coffee shops while he's on shift. That superhero would certainly be MY hero.

Second, "Seeking Terrific All-Star Referrals" seems a little redundant. If someone is an All-Star, aren't they already, by definition, terrific? It's even more redundant because it's printed twice. Maybe they mean especially good All-Stars, like just the top 2 or 3 players off the NBA All-star team. The only problem is that I don't know why someone with those kind of credentials would want to be a security guard. Or maybe they just wrote it that way because they were worried some potential security guards might not know the definition of either "All-star" or "terrific", and so they printed both. Which is possibly true - being a sleeping, coffee-shopping superhero does not have "advanced vocabulary" as one of its key job requirements.

And third and most importantly, what are we seeking, retards? Did no one, as this promotion was being designed, stop everybody and say "Wait a minute. Doesn't this whole thing look a little... um retarded? Like... the kind of business card you'd give to a kid with Down's Syndrome who's trying to sell candy bars?" I feel like the referral card should come with an "I'm Special" pencil or a pudding pack or something.

My name is _____? Just in case you forget? Is the card supposed to install a warm fuzzy feeling every time you open your wallet? In that case, any self-confidence boost you might get from seeing this card would immediately be mitigated by the realization that somebody thinks you should be a security guard.

But maybe the cards are a good thing. After all, I've just spent the last four paragraphs talking about them... now I kind of WANT to give them to people. Personally, I think they could have done better with the "Hey, wanna get paid 9 bucks an hour for sleeping?" campaign, but to either their own. Maybe I could even get a nice bonus if one of my friends or readers ends up becoming a security superhero. Or at least I could get 27 dollars and a plaque.

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