Speaking of dreams, I had another strange one last night. I really need to stop drinking Jaeger before bedtime.
So I'm in a wagon train with Chuck Norris. Yes, I told you it was strange. Chuck Norris is leading this wagon train (obviously), and he tells everyone to stop: we're going to have a banana chopping contest. Feel free to stop reading now if you think I'm insane, but I swear this is really how the dream went.
All the other guys in the wagon train and I stop and get out some bananas for the contest, and Chuck Norris announces the rules. We each have 20 seconds to peel a banana and chop it into 5 equal pieces. There are about 8 other guys in the contest with me, and whoever's banana pieces are the closest to being all the same size is the winner of each round. There will be 5 rounds.
Chuck Norris signifies the start of Round 1 by karate chopping a 2x4 (obviously), and we're off. All the other guys seem to have no trouble, but I struggle, first with peeling the banana, then with cutting it equally, and by the time the 20 seconds are up, my banana is all over the place. One piece is huge, the others are all small, and none of them are close to the same size. Chuck Norris glares at me, and announces that Round 2 will now begin.
Rounds 2, 3 and 4 all bring the same result: everybody else has five pretty similarly-sized banana pieces, and mine suck. I'm very discouraged; Chuck Norris has not yelled at me, but I can tell he's very disappointed. He really expected more out of me. But in Round 5, I pull it together. My banana pieces are not the best, but they're pretty close this time, and I'm feeling a lot better. Chuck Norris announces that the game is over and that the wagon train will continue, and he gives me a look that tells me he's not proud of me, but he can tell I'm coming along. And I'm relieved: next time my Chuck Norris-led-wagon train stops for a banana chopping contest, I'll be ready.
I'll give you a minute, to decide if you still want to be my friend after that, and keep reading.
OK, thanks. Anyway, I laughed for about five minutes after waking up from that dream, and then hunkered down to try to figure out what it meant.
- Perhaps the dream is about a deep-seeded fear of failure. The banana chopping contest is really the game of life (only a lot more delicious), and my coming in last most of the time is a fear of not succeeding in it. The more-promising Round 5 represents my one weapon against this fear: hard work. If at first you don't succeed… have Chuck Norris watch you chop another banana.
- Perhaps it's one of those Freudian phallic things. Clearly, Chuck Norris represents the paragon of manliness, and one's inability to properly deal with their banana… well, I think we all know what that means. I don't know where the chopping part comes in; I only know that I don't like that my dream went there – my dreams are weird enough without S&M, John Wayne Bobbitt aspects to them, thank you very much. Fortunately, I don't think I've had any other dreams like this, before or since, and when I woke up, all the bananas in the house were intact and functioning properly.
- Maybe Chuck Norris is a father figure, which would be an interesting stretch of my imagination. My dad is pretty awesome, but I doubt he could take Chuck Norris.
- Maybe it's some kind of call to a simpler life? Of cowboys, and wagon trains, and men chopping their own fruit? Like a subconscious "Into the Wild" call, heavily imbued by too much "Oregon Trail" and "Walker, Texas Ranger" as a kid"
- Or maybe, bananas are just delicious, and Chuck Norris is awesome.