Securitata! - 5/31/04
Today was my last day at Security. I needed to quit in order to watch my brotherís graduation, see my family and have a little vacation. Trust me, in this business itís much easier to quit and then get rehired than to ask for two weeks off.

Though I may well return to the business when I get back, this temporarily marks the end of an entertaining era. Never have I been paid less, slept more, or got more things done during a job. Every bit of web design work, tutoring prep, Hugesmile writing, and general administrative catch-ups Iíve done in the past 8 months were completed while on the clock over here at the copy machine factory. When Sam and my screenplay gets made in a year Iíll be able to say that probably 90% of it was written while on duty as a security guard. A quick look at the numbers:

37 - Approximate number of times I left work to go meet Sam at the Marisposa coffee shop and write.
2 - Number of times they called me to do something while I was there.
100 - Estimated total dollars spent by me on hash browns and fries during all those meetings (though we tipped well).
5.5 - Record number of hours slept during one 8-hour shift.
9 - Estimate number of shifts I didn't fall asleep at all during my 8-month tenure.
32 - Number of DVDs watched while at work.
1 - DVD's actually rented for $$$ and not borrowed for free from the Redondo Beach library.
6 - Approximate amount of candy, in pounds, that I ate from various people's candy dishes during my nightly 1am walk around the corporate office building. My favorite were the Mr. Goodbars outside 3440.
5 - Days called in sick to run triathlons or get drunk with people.
0 - Days called in sick to actually be sick.
3 - Number of legitimate acts of security business I carried out during my two-thirds-year of employment.
1 - Number of Security Officer of the Month Awards.

Best job I've ever had? Well, it was annoying to work weekends, and keep in mind I did even less when I worked security in Chicago and got paid substantially more. But still, darn close. Maybe if they would have ever given me my plaque weíd know for sure.

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