The Twelve Days of Guy Gifts - Part 2: Weapons - 12/22/09
"But I don't want a weapon for Xmas. I'm a pacifist!" Bullshit. There are no guy pacifists - there are only guys who haven't been sufficiently provoked, or who think they're going to lose. Also, we're not saying you need to use these weapons to hurt people or animals - just imagine playing with one of the lovely toys below on the "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland. I bet even Gandhi would get a kick out of launching a high-yield paintball grenade into a crowd of singing mechanical Danish midgets. He wouldn't be able to help it. It's in guy nature.

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Flame Thrower

Every guy wants a flame thrower, with the exception of anybody who's had one used on them (and they might still want one for revenge... unless they're dead of course). A flame thrower has all the fun of a regular gun, plus fire! Useful in a non-violent capacity at barbecues, fireworks shows, and cleaning up your house after a massive kegger once you've determined it's just easier to move.

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Pain Ray/Nausea Gun

Weapons of the past (morning stars, brass knuckles) were cool. Weapons of the present (tasers, Tomahawk cruise missiles) are even better. Weapons of the future? Good god damn.

This is a ray gun that shoots either a beam of burning sensation at your victim, or else an invisible wave that induces horrible nausea (I have to be honest, I kind of stopped paying attention to the text once I saw the picture). It also might just shoot huge flashes of light and sounds to stun your victim, like lightening in a frickin' rifle. Like what Zeus would shoot, if he was holding this gun. Either way, it's the tits, and my upcoming war against the Titans just got a lot more interesting.

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SUV w/Gun Turret

What's better than getting an SUV for Christmas? How about an SUV with a machine gun on it?

I like that there have always been tanks and jeeps and hummers with guns on them, but somebody said "no, that's not enough - we need a GMC passenger truck with a gun on it, too". Although the truck is also iron-plated and partly bullet-proof, it's not exactly the kind of car you'd take to a place like Iraq... which begs the question: what exactly is the purpose of this vehicle (besides being balls-out awesome)? I guess for subtle local missions, where you need a car that just looks like an SUV and then BAM! There's a Gatling gun coming out the roof. What these missions are about gets me just as excited as the product itself.

Tomorrow: Sweet Gadgets!

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