Ah, Halloween. The season where girls have a blank check to dress as sluttily as they like without any fear of judgement, and guys... well, guys have a blank check to look at girls dressed as sluttily as they like.
None of this is new news - young costumers have been capitalizing on this salacious opportunity for years, and costume companies have been capitalizing on young costumers. But with any expanding market, it was only matter of time before somebody went too far. Sexy Nurse, Sexy Cowgirl, Sexy Little Bo Peep, sure. But Sexy Chain-Gang Member? Here are twelve of this year's costume companies' attempts to just slap the word "sexy" onto any noun, and tell it to you for $39.95.
Of all the cartoon characters to make sexy, I have to say SpongeBob is not at the top of my list. He's yellow. He's a rectangular prism. He's a dude. Not to mention that 99% of his fans are under the age of eight (the other 1% are creepy older dudes who, I admit, would probably love this costume). If you're a girl trying to get attention this Halloween, cartoons can work, but think Jessica Rabbit. Think Daphne from Scooby Doo. Stay away from Nickelodeon.
The first rule of sexy Halloween costumes is "Show some skin." The second rule is "Don't carry a weapon so huge that guys will pay more attention to it than to you." The third rule is "Don't wear pink poofy fur balls unless you're going as Poodle, a Dr. Seuss character, or Cotton Candy" (now there's an idea for a weird sexy halloween costume). This costume shatters all the rules, and is an insult to sexy costumes, to this cute girl's potential, and I'm pretty sure to barbarians.
Sexy Bubble Wrap
This costume is awesome, if a tiny triangle of bubble wrap over each of your privates can be considered a costume. It's more of a "Hey, looks at my boobs and crotch!" announcement that invites a type of sexual assault that I'm pretty sure would be quite defensible in most courts.
This picture is not sexy. This costume is not sexy. There is one sexy costume opportunity in Star Wars. The annoying golden robot guy is not it.
Sexy Chicken Choker
WFT? No seriously, WTF. This is advertised as "Sexy Chicken Restaurant Worker", which is strange enough in itself, but then they had to go and add the rubber chicken. OK, nice accessory and double-entendre, but I don't think that's how chicken restaurants work. I'm not sure what's more of a stretch, their attempt to make a costume out of this, or that chick's shirt.
Sexy Clown Fish
Sexy Mermaid is one thing, but they're really going for it this one. Yes, this girl would look pretty good in anything, but I think part of "Sexy Object" is an assumption that Object is human, or at least a mammal (see "Sexy Aardvark"). There aren't that many "sexy" creatures in the sea, and the Clown Fish is probably one of the most obscure of all. Sure, the Clown Fish is colorful, but colorful is not sexy. In fact in this case, it's just plain weird.
Sexy Life-Size Doll
OK, I get it. Sort of like Barbie. Except for that Barbie in real life would be hot, whereas Barbie in a box is, you know, plastic. Maybe this hits a little too close to "dead girl in a display case" to be sexy for me. Not to mention it's got to be about the most cumbersome costume since the Kool-Aid Guy.
Nothing is sexier than Mother Earth! Unless of course you're not a tree-hugging vegan hippie. In that case this costume is just gaudy and round. But hey, maybe this person is only going for tree-hugging hippies, in which case she's on the right track to finding one who wants to locate one of her lovely, topographic canyons and stick something where... Alright, enough.
Sexy Marie Antoinette
Look, I'm sure Marie Antoinette was sexy. But is a costume of an esoteric historical heroine really a good idea? (especially one with a Sheltie on her head). After all, Leg Avenue is still reeling from the bombs that were the Sexy Joan of Arc and Sexy Mary Magdalene costumes.
Because nothing's sexier than a nun. Except, you know, maybe someone that would theoretically have sex with you.
Sexy Plus-Size Referee
Sexy Referee was bad enough (does that costume make sense to anyone? Anyone?). But I suppose ladies of all sizes deserve an excuse to display their womanly parts in a ridiculous outfit that speaks more of "zebra" than "sports official".
Sexy, uh, Tuxedo
And, at last, we have what's billed as "Sexy Tuxedo". Because I think if you look close, there's a tiny bowtie or something right above that girl's hoo-hah. And this really sums up our list, and the reason we all like Halloween in the first place: it doesn't matter if your costume is really a costume, or in this case even qualifies as "clothes"... as long as you're willing to get drunk and show your nether regions to lots and lots (and I mean lots) of strangers.