The Three Silliest Dreams I've Ever Had - 6/13/07
Experts believe than humans, on average, have 10-20 dreams per night, and typically only remember a small percentage of these. Yet believe it or not, the Radioactive Cow Dream may not be the most ridiculous dream I've ever had. It might not even be in the top three.

The following are the three strangest dreams I can remember. I'm sure there are even stranger ones that I don't remember, but these three managed to hang together with enough of a "plot" (and I use this term loosely) to be recalled in the morning. Prepare to think I'm weird.

#3 - The Condiment-Balloon Dream
So my two younger brothers and I are perched on the roof of our house, throwing water balloons at a stream of delivery people (?) who keep coming to the door. Except they're not water balloons - they're condiment balloons. Filled with things like mustard and syrup and even a corn-oil balloon that weighs like five pounds. I'm not sure what the delivery people did to deserve all this, but we brothers are certainly amused. Finally, the mailman (whom we particularly hate, for some reason) comes, and my youngest brother Alex hurls down a particularly large and blocky balloon. The mailman screams in pain. We asked Alex what was in the balloon, and he replies, "A brick."

This dream only gets #3 because some might say it's "too commercial". Indeed, upon waking, I promptly wrote this dream into the opening sequence a spec episode of "Malcolm in the Middle" I was writing.

#2 - The Fighting-Gremlin Dream
This was kind of a nightmare, actually, but not as much of a nightmare for me as it turned out to be for the girlfriend with whom I was sharing a bed this unfortunate evening...

So I'm in some kind of large factory, and I'm being attacked by Gremlins. Like from the movie. Hundreds of them, and I'm kicking and throwing them away as they try to scratch at me with their sharp claws. At last I break through a door and out into the street, where I spot my car, my hope of escape. I jump into the driver's seat and slam the door, thinking I'm safe, but just then the leader Gremlin pops up behind the driver's and passenger's seats, snarling in fury, and grabs my shoulder. So I do what any action hero would do (or at least any guy in a dream): I bring my arm forward, slowly… and then let the Gremlin have it with a brutal elbow to the face…

Meanwhile, my poor girlfriend is gently shaking my shoulder to see why I'm thrashing around so much. I don't think I have to paint the picture for you of what happened next, suffice it to say that it took me nearly twenty minutes of my apologizing and comforting and swearing I wasn't trying to kill her before she finally stopped crying. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), I had actually missed her face (I guess my dream ' reality elbowing-accuracy needs a little work) and instead blasted her in the throat, which made her crying actually more of a combination of sobbing and choking. Either way, it was two weeks before she let me sleep over again.

#1 - The Where's-Waldo-Sumo-Wrestler-Shark Dream
So… I'm Waldo. You know, from the "Where's Waldo" books. I'm up at my cabin in northern Minnesota, and since every Where's Waldo scenario requires some kind of huge event to summon a crowd of people, our event is the first annual "Teach Sumo Wrestlers to Swim" event, sponsored by ESPN. Indeed, several hundred people have gathered on the beach to watch five sumo wrestlers learn how to swim by being laid face down on the edge of the beach with just their arms and faces in the water, I guess to practice their front crawl stroke. Apparently, the sumo wrestlers can't move under their own power.

Of course, since I'm Waldo, people are trying to find me. Somehow I know that these people are looking down on me from above, like readers looking down onto a book page, and so I try to remain unseen by staying low in the crowd. This works fine until, for some reason, I can't resist getting on an old tire swing, and it of course sky-rockets me high into the air. "Great," I think "Now they're totally gonna see me and I'm going to have to move on to that other page with the giant food fight." While I'm a hundred meters in the air, however, I see something horrible. Tiger sharks! In the lake(?)! Swimming in to attack the sumo wrestlers! I land back on the beach and sound the alarm, and immediately everyone springs into action, working in groups to roll the sumo wrestlers out of the way. But the sumo wrestlers are incredibly heavy, and, as I mentioned, cannot move under their own power, so little progress is made as the tiger sharks close in….

I woke up then, suddenly, though I'm note sure why. Perhaps my head was about to explode from sheer weirdness.

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I'm not sure where the Radioactive Cow dream fits on this list. All I know is if I have a fifth one like these, I'm going to have to start thinking about seeking professional help.

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