Trader Joe's Water: The ONLY Water - 6/21/07
Don't get me wrong: I've never been a fan of bottled water. I think I've said this before, but why should I pay $2 for a bottle of something that quite literally falls from the sky? Tap water was good enough for the cavemen; it's good enough for me.

So no, I've never been a fan of bottled water. But somehow, Trader Joe's (California's second most pretentious grocery store chain, behind Whole Foods) has made me respect the product even less.

Here is the label from a bottle of the stuff I drank recently. Yes, I took the label home and scanned it.

Shall we look closer? Let's shall.

1) As opposed to…?

2) Glad to hear I'm not drinking ocean water. "New and improved Trader Joe's water! Now brine-free!

3) I guess the "All Natural" part didn't cover that this wasn't Coke.

4) Gee, I didn't realize there was an internationally-agreed-upon standard for how much water you should drink in one sitting? 8 ounces, huh? Not how much fits in a standard drinking cup? Not how much they give you when you run by in a marathon? Not how much I accidentally swallowed in that lake that one time? It was very tough to hear that all along I've been drinking an inappropriate amount of water.

5) Right, wouldn't want the water to go bad.

6) WHAT? What reason could they POSSIBLY give as to why not to refill this bottle? Because the plastic gets worn out after one round of being full of water? Because the Trader Joe's water is so great that it would unfairly bless any water that followed it with said awesomeness? Because they don't want me storing my urine in there? Please, for the love of God, WHAT?

Side note: obviously, I didn't pay for this bottle; it was given to me at a tutoring student's house. I actually had to stop the lesson and ask if the label was a joke... in response to which I recieved blank stares from both the girl and her mother. Apparently, the people willing to pay $2 a bottle for something that comes out of the sink are the same people willing to pay $50 an hour for someone to come over and teach their daughter fractions.



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