Security Guard of the Month - 4/9/04
This morning I was told I had been made Employee of the Month at security. I did my best to keep a straight face.

First of all, I was Employee of the Month for February, and this is April. But more importantly, I donít think anyone quite realizes how little I actually do at security. The announcement of my award was made to me on a day where I had spent the first two hours of my shift meeting with Sam at our coffee shop, before I drove to airport to pick up my bike, and then spent the next three hours sleeping in the security car. It was made to me during a week where Iíd called in sick twice, once to go to Phoenix and loot my grandmotherís house, and the other time to get drunk with a bunch of frat guys who were in town for spring break. It was announced to me during a month where Iíd decided to quit this security post in favor of getting my weekends back, had told the assignment supervisor about this, and had only not already quit because I was waiting to see what happened with some of my other scheduling issues. All together, conservative estimates have me only being awake for about 14 of the 24 hours I worked this week, and 4 of those were spent at a coffee shop.

One could argue that behavior like this would make me a bad security guard, or at least one undeserving of a prestigious Employee of the Month award. Actually, most of this stuff is OK - going to the coffee shop for one-fourth of my shift, calling in sick, sleepingÖ most of this is pretty standard procedure for guards at my site. But it is true they probably wouldnít like my taking their security mobile to the airport, or to a party in Manhattan Beach like I did one time during my shift. I flashed my siren and nearly broke the party up as I was leaving.

But to say I was bad guard, I think, would be giving too much credit to what the job of graveyard security guard actually is. The airport, the party, the In-N-Out in Westchester Sam and I went to one timeÖ these places are all within walkie-talkie range, if the guys at base need anything. Which they never do. In fact, what I mostly do when Iím at work Ė writing, watching movies, walking around inside buildings looking for candy thatís been left outÖ this stuff actually classifies me as a very good security guard. Hey, Iím awake and right there if anything happens.

Anyway they gave me a check for 50 bucks (of which the government promptly took half), and I guess Iím getting a plaque. I canít wait to hang it in the ping-pong room next to the picture of the deformed babies.

I suppose thereís a small possibility Iím good at my job. Thereís a larger possibly Iím terrible at my job but good at hiding it. Thereís also a possible that Iím good at neither but they had to give me the award since everyone else already has one and theyíre not allowed to repeat. Lastly, I guess itís possible theyíre just trying to make me want to stay, since I donít think that many people have quite a good at time at this job as I do. Good luck.

A female comedian friend of Samís once joked that she liked to date security guards, because ďIf a guyís willing to take a bullet for 8.50 an hour, imagine what heíd do from some pussy.Ē Brilliant comedy. But unfortunately inaccurate. First of all, I donít make 8.50 an hour. Second of all I would never, ever take a bullet (even if bullets did happen to be flying around a copy machine factory at 3 in the morning). Not for all the 25-dollar checks and plaques in the world. I probably wouldnít even be awake for it.

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