This week in LA...
Everything is on fire. No, seriously.
There’s a massive ring of forest fires (possibly triggered by the sun-surge) that’s surrounding the metro area and slowly closing us off like that bad Escape from LA movie with Kurt Russell in an eye-patch.
In Minnesota I saw negative-60 degree temperatures and occasional tornadoes. In Chicago I saw torrential downpours every day of baseball season and lakeshore wind storms that could floor a hippo. When I got to LA I thought I’d see extreme heat and sporadic earthquakes. It’s been almost two months now and I’ve seen no earthquakes, felt no heat, and instead all I’ve seen is super-thick fog, massive fires and the resulting deadly ash-mist that’s been raining down on everything since they started, trying to infiltrate my lungs and make me a smoker.
It’s not so bad in Redondo Beach – the ash-mist is easily confused for ocean-mist, and since the ocean’s so polluted these days it’s probably about the same carbon content anyway. But my friend in Irvine says it’s much worse down there – the current climate conditions, she says, can only be described as “apocalyptic”. The LA sky is red and gray from morning ‘till night, as opposed to its usual brown and gray. Everyone’s car is covered in ash. I think I’m going to pull my stocks out of the flag business and invest in the carwash business.
I wonder what Disneyland is doing. It seems the characters might have trouble maintaining their aura of wonderment when there’s ashy gray death raining down on them all the time. Perhaps they’ve tried to make an event out of it, though I don’t think “Sooty Day in Hell” fits in with their monthly parade themes. I’m reminded of a movie parody idea a friend from college came up with called “Apocalypse Wow!” – a musical-comedy version of Francis Ford Coppola’s timeless classic. Perhaps the JoyLoveHugJoy singers of Disneyland could adapt it into their new revue.
In other news, Sam and JD broke the Ralph’s picket line this week in order to buy beer.