Skymall Stupidest Lawn Ornament Tourney - Round 1 - 8/31/09
I love Skymall so much. I can't even wait for the plane to start taxiing before I'm rooting around in the seat pocket to see what mind-bogglingly useless crap the good people at Skymall have come up with this time. Like a bad action movie so terrible that it's become awesome again, Skymall has taken sick American consumerism and pushed it over the edge of absurdity and into the realm of "Holy shit I can't believe they made a clock that just tells you what day it is."

When I did the Skymall Dumbest Item Tournament, I vowed I was going to leave stupid lawn ornaments out of it, simply because honestly Skymall has so many stupid ornaments that we could really hold a competition with just them. Well, it's about time those ornaments got their day in the sun, because Lord knows nobody's buying them to get sun out in their yard.

This is going to play out over three rounds. Vote below, though you'll have to make your comments via email, Twitter or Facebook, because I'm not tech savvy or abuse-seeking enough to have comments. But mock away via the other mediums - you know you want to make fun of this crap.

Battle 1
"The Zombie of Montclaire Moors" Sculpture - $89.95 (63%)
The Meerkat Gang Sculpture - $85 (37%)
Are they Prairie Dogs? Are they gang-members? Surprise, they're both, although we need to call them 'Meerkats' because that's a fancier way of saying Prairie Dog, and Skymall needs justification for charging $85 for these two-foot glorified squirrels. "As curious as they are intimidating, these tall-standing critters are guaranteed to keep real Meerkats out of your yard," in case you live in rural Oklahoma and have that problem. Also keeps out pigeons, mice, and dignity.

Battle 2
Alien Gnome Bandits - $149.95 (52%)
Basho The Sumo Wrestler - $89 (48%)
It's a sumo wrestler. Taking a shit in your yard. He's two feet tall. What else do you need to know?

OK, so he's not actually taking a shit, but that's what all your guests will think when you somehow trick them into coming over. It seems that Basho sold so well as a coffee table that they gave him a promotion and moved him outside, where he sits all day in your garden, looking like a Japanese dwarf or an obese Asian-American child. Lovingly priced at $89, Basho is the perfect addition to your cluttered yard already filled with stupid shit.

Battle 3
Mombasa the 9-ft Garden Giraffe - $895 (69%)
Dragon of Falkenburg Castle - $69.95 (31%)
"Your neighbors will steer clear when they see this intricately sculpted, more than two-foot-long dragon stretched out in your flower bed." I'll say! Nothing scares me more than a fake dragon that's a full two feet long! And 13 inches high? Holy crap, that's almost long enough to be seen above flowers!

Complete with "scales, wings and a treacherous tail," this statue is hand-finished in "faux stone" (not to be confused with "real stone," which costs less) and is "totally life-like"... in that it looks just like all the other 26-inch, living dragons flying around the Magical Land of Dicktard where you must live if you're spending your money on things like this.

Battle 4
St. Francis Garden Statue - $450 (68%)
Privacy Screen Set & Borders - $89.99 (32%)
This isn't technically a lawn ornament, but it is stupid as shit, so I'm gonna go ahead and let it be in the tournament.

"Some things are better left hidden behind these durable, yet inexpensive, Privacy Screens," reads the copy for these movable walls, ideal for shielding unsightly items like garbage cans, lawn mowers, and other Skymall purchases. Reasonably priced at $89.00, the Privary Screen Set & Borders are perfect for when your air-conditioning unit needs to change its clothes.



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