24 Things Every Guy Has Done - 8/21/09
I often think of myself as a small boy trapped inside a man's body, seemingly mature until I open my mouth, or see a small animal that needs to be kicked. Women I date often think of me this way, too. In any case, here is a list of typically "boy" things I'm not ashamed to say that I've done, and guys, you know you have, too. Ladies, you're probably not going to understand any of these things, but know that the man in your life probably has done them. Probably when you weren't looking.

HOW MUCH OF A GUY ARE YOU? Take the quiz.

I HAVE...

...tried to melt ice in a urinal. +1 point

...tried to drown a bug in a urinal. +2 points

...put on sunglasses/covered your face so that you can stare at a chick's boobs longer. +3 point

...pictured yourself winning a fight with a boss or co-worker. +1 point

...jumped as an elevator stopped to try and be weightless. +1 point

...used the term "Donkey Punch" in a sentence. +2 points

...finished a plate with an already painfully-full stomach, "because it was there". +1 point

...wiped a dirty hand on somebody else's clothing. +1 point

...put something into your ass. -5 points

...chased a pigeon or squirrel, even for a few seconds. +1 point

...punched a wall out of frustration or bad aim. +1 point

...peed for distance. +2 points

...belched a word. +1 point

...belched a sentence. +2 points

...gone poop at an all-you-can-eat buffet to try to make room. +3 points

...thrown something over a cliff just to see what would happen. +2 points

...thrown something strange into a fire "just to see if it would burn". +2 points

...read a romance novel. -3 points

...thrown an animal as far as you can into a lake to see if it can swim back. +4 points

...farted into the face of a sleeping person. +3 points

...wanted to show somebody an impressive deuce you made. +2 points

...actually shown somebody an impressive deuce you made. +4 points

...gone and seen a deuce another guy has made, ridiculed him for showing you, but secretly been impressed. +5 point

...thought about punting a baby. +6 points

...put your shlong onto someone's forehead (-5, 0, +3 or +5 points, depending on whether that person was male or female, and whether or not they asked you to do it)

...had sex with a man's butt. -infinity points

...gotten competitive about a stupid quiz like this one. +2 points


SCORE:
-infinity to +20 points - You're a woman or a tragically sheltered half-man.
+21 to +39 poiints - You're pretty guy-ish, but there's a lot of potential meat-headedness you aren't yet tapping. Start by peeing on something that doesn't belong to you.
+40 to +56 points - You are the reason all the magazines at my doctor's office have nipples and an eye-patch drawn onto every model.

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