5 Video Game Moves I Wish I Could Do In Real Life - 7/22/09
(and Where I Would Use Them)

Everybody wishes they could fly like Superman, or teleport like Nightcrawler, or ingest every substance known to man, like the esoteric DC comic book hero Matter-Eater Lad. But screw all that; we don't need to look further than our favorite video games for ridiculously kick-ass moves we all wish we could do in the real world. Here are the top 5 most awesome video game moves I pray to baby Jesus every night I might someday be able to do in real life. If you don't agree with me, don't worry, you'll be dead within the week.

(Now that I think of it, Superman and Nightcrawler have already been in games. We can only hope that someone soon sees the light and gives Matter-Eater his deserved shot, too.)


1) SPINNING PILE DRIVER - Street Fighter 2
First off, being able to execute a spinning pile driver means you're most likely a huge, angry Russian who can jump at least 10 feet in the air (more with the Strong attack), which would greatly increase your prospects in both Ultimate Fighting as well as in the NBA. Second, this just might be the most bad-ass straight up wrestling move in any fighting game, ever. "No," you say "just a regular neck-breaking, head-smashing pile driver isn't enough for me. I need to spin while doing it, to somehow grind the mangled sconce of my opponent deeper into the concrete." As if more needs to be said, this is also the most damaging move in all of Street Fighter - in the original game, it takes up half your opponents power. Half! Being set on fire and being electrocuted don't even take up a quarter.

WHERE I WOULD USE IT:
This move is ideal for any close-up everyday disputes you might have, for instance someone tries to budge you in line, or your plumber is trying to rip you off:

PLUMBER: So that's gonna be $200 for the estimate, and another $180 for labor.
YOU: But you said $100 on the phone.
PLUMBER: Well, it was worse than I thought when I got out here, and I had to bill at double time...
YOU: Why double time?
PLUMBER: Well, traffic pushed me past 5 o'clock, which is technically overtime, so I-
YOU: HEH!
(You grab his face and give him a spinning pile driver)

At this point, the plumber would submit to your agreed-upon price, except that his skull is fractured and he's paralyzed from the neck down.



2) LIGHTNING - Super Mario Kart
In the Super Mario Kart games, there is no item more coveted than the precious lightning bolt, which shrinks every other driver, slows them down, and makes you suddenly able to crush them at will, like a large retarded child stomping pigeons in Central Park.

WHERE I WOULD USE IT:
The ability to suddenly make everyone around you shrink to 1/10th their size? In what situation isn't this useful? You're robbing a bank, and your accomplice double-crosses you and the cops start firing? Crash! Everyone is 6 inches tall, shooting at you with harmless BB's. Boring company picnic? Crash! You're laughing at all your lilliputian employees, and then you punt your boss into the bushes. Midget convention? Crash! Now everyone's an even smaller midget, and therefore thrice as hilarious.

(I will admit that Lightning only narrowly beats out Bullet Bill from Mario Kart Wii, because who hasn't wanted to beat traffic and get to work on time by transforming into a giant bullet and blasting other cars out of the way? But Lightning wins barely, due to the stomping factor.)



3) GRAVITY GUN/THE FORCE - Half-Life 2 and Halo 2/Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Because let's be honest, they're basically the same move.

The move is very simple. You float stuff up into the air with your futuristic gun/cosmic power-wielding hands. You throw the stuff around. Barrels, cars and giant boulders become your weapons. You hit bad guys with other bad guys, which is really the biggest insult a video game villain can receive, being beaten to death by his own henchman. The only advantage of The Force over the Gravity Gun is that you can also electrocute people, but Raiden from Mortal Kombat also has that move, so I'm going to go ahead and call it a separate (though awesome) move.

WHERE I WOULD USE IT:
I'm going to change it up here, do something you didn't see coming. I would use this while moving. Washing machine? Pow, it's flying through the air, towards your new apartment, setting itself into place through an upstairs window. New fridge from Best Buy? It's out the door without a dolly (and smashing your buddy's car on the way if he didn't want to help you move). Giant collection of Michael Bouble vinyls? Well, hopefully they didn't give a Gravity Gun or The Force to you if you own Michael Bouble albums, because you're a homo.



4) PETS - World of Warcraft
Oh, I'm sorry Enemy, I'm too busy to bother beating your ass myself. I'm just going to summon a giant, mutant, sabretooth tiger thing from some parallel universe to gnaw your face off instead. Or a hot, scantily-clad succubus to give a momentary boner before she dispatches you with a ball of flaming hell-demons. Or heck, I'll just resurrect one your dead buddies and have him fight you while I rearrange my items menu. Among the many other gifts World of Warcraft has given us, the ability to summon pets ranging from animals to re-animated corpses to do your violent bidding is certainly one of the best. To say nothing of huge dragons and eagles and shit that you can ride around.

WHERE I WOULD USE IT:
A pet comes in really handy when you're in a big hurry and just don't have time to deal with someone who otherwise you'd love to stop and pummel. Late for work and don't have time to deal with your neighbor, coming over to get his leaf blower back? Sick your pet on them. Homeless guy asking you for change? Sick your pet on them. Being attacked by a pack of somebody's pet Dobermans? Better believe you sick your pet on them.



5) MOONWALK GROUP DANCE ATTACK - Michael Jackson's Moonwalker
I swear, I'm not just doing this for the topicality traffic. My brothers and I have talked about this a million times. Anybody remember this game? You're Michael Jackson on a quest to save children(?), and you run around killing bad guys with your hat (which is a pretty sweet move in of itself). Then, when there are too many of them around, your special attack is to start dancing and doing the moonwalk, and all the enemies on the screen start dancing with you, and then get tired and die. But you don't get tired, because you're Michael Jackson, and you go on killing people with your hat. I think there was also something in this game with Bubbles the chimp turning into a huge, robotic Bubbles and shooting bubbles at people. Jesus, how awesome was this game? I need to find a Sega Genesis or arcade up in northern Minnesota in the 1980's and play this again.

WHERE I WOULD USE IT:
Um, where WOULDN'T you use this move? You're sitting in a board-meeting, and everyone's ganging up on you about how you lost the Lebowitz account, and may have been the one who peed in the drinking fountain... and suddenly you leap up and just start moonwalking. The room dims to spotlight and everyone dances with you, until they get tired and die. You're left as the new CEO, and rival companies respect you, but only because they fear you.

Here's an animated GIF I found on this site called Silonera. Somebody actually took the time to make this into an animated GIF. I want to kiss them.


RUNNERS-UP:
TIME TRAVEL from ChronoTrigger, PEGASUS BOOTS from Zelda 3 for Super Nintendo, and FIREBALLS and STAR from every Super Mario Game ever. Because honestly, who hasn't wanted to go star-invincible in a crowded elevator or running late for the subway?

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