Catty Midget Bitches - 2/22/04
My friend Sarah from Minneapolis emailed me recently and demanded to know why I haven't done a post about Fox's new show "The Littlest Groom". To anyone not versed in the latest in pandering reality television, this show is basically "The Bachelor"... with midgets. In SAT-style multiple choice (because obviously such a format applies to Fox reality programming), guess the reason why I have not done such a post:

A) I don't typically do a lot of media commentary, preferring more obscure topics such as people I know and things I make up
B) I haven't watched the show
C) I find the exploitive idea of a ‘little people reality show' to be morally reprehensible and refuse to endorse such twaddle by writing about it online.

Well it can't be C), so it must be a combination of the other two. Truth is I still haven't watched the show (sorry Sarah), so I wouldn't be able to write on the subject without making baseless assumptions about the show or extrapolating to broader observations about midgets in general.

So here goes.

I sum up my feelings about midget-based (apologies to any vertically-challenged readers who prefer the PC nomenclature "little people" - I find the term just a little vague and not nearly as funny-sounding as "midget") entertainment with the following statement: It's about time. Midgets have always been an integral part of mass-media awesomeness, from the great Oompa-Loompa days of yore to the infamous porn-midget in the legendary film "Tiny's Big Package". And since they're on track to make a reality show about everything anyway, it's about time they made one about diminutive singles competing over love.

I really hope they fight. For the sake of my own entertainment, I'm just going to go ahead and imagine they found a bunch of pugnacious, drama-queen midgets and really let ‘em have at it. I hope the male midgets (if there's more than one) hate each other's guts and wrestle all the time. I hope the female midgets are some serious catty midget bitches, and pull hair and scream. Cuz God that's cool.

I doubt I can ever watch the show now, because I'll probably just be disappointed. I remember how upset we were when we found out Tiny only had about ten minutes of screen time in his own movie, and that he didn't even have any lines. We were really looking forward to one-liners like "Get the stool, wench." To say nothing of our dismay at discovering Tiny was actually a handicapped midget with a hearing aid.

I hope Tiny's in this show. I hope my predictions are wrong - that "The Littlest Groom" is everything a reality show about midgets is supposed to be - base, depraved, and absolutely hilarious. And I hope that Fox continues to provide its viewers with quality programming just like this (tomorrow's post: an in-depth look at "Man vs. Beast 2").

I also hope I get the chance to use the phrase "catty midget bitches" at some point again in the future.



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